The 27th of August 2021 was the first anniversary of the abrupt termination of my 11-year relationship. A man, that I attracted into my life in 2009.
On the evening of August 27th 2020, I remember that I talked about all of my past experiences, my family life, my relationships, all of the situations I had gone through. I told my ex that I thought he was repeating mistakes of his past. I also related an analogy that he had just thrown a whole box of dominoes up in the air and neither of us would know when and where those dominoes would come crashing down.
And yes, those dominoes did come crashing down, over the next few days and weeks and months.
I told him I would write this book
I actually told my ex that night that I would write a book about the whole experience. Little did I know that things would turn out the way they did when I actually said that.
I knew the story was not over at that point. I had no idea how things would unfold or should I say, unravel. The person from the semi-legal mediation company that I made contact with from January 2021 called the whole thing a “train crash”, perhaps he was right.
While the ex was moving on very quickly to a new relationship. I was left living in the Spanish Villa, whilst he was telling me to “respect him and respect his property” to do as he says. I was informed by him that “your future security depends on having me on your side so don’t alienate me and I’ve told you already you can’t negotiate a gift”
Short Story Book Promotion Video
You can listen to my short story video, in which I reflect on the relationship. This was the point at which he had confessed his “entitled” involvement with another woman. I titled this – Was it all a lie? (Recorded on the 27th August 2021.)
It refers to a period from December 2017 to July 2018. That was when he told me about another woman that he wanted to be with while he was in the UK. Not a confession of guilt and I’m sorry I cheated and I will end it, please forgive me. Oh no! This was a man who was on an ego trip, he wanted me to still be here for him and also to have this other woman in the UK. This caused me maximum emotional damage and maximum hurt at that point in my life. However, even though I knew he was being disrespectful towards me, I felt that the relationship was worth fighting for.
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Final discard in August 2020
The final discard in August 2020 and spending four weeks together in Spain before he finally left to go back to the UK. His “Dear Loren” letter 2 days after he dropped his 2nd confession. I tried to talk to him about his letter. I wanted to discuss a proposal of how he might help me which was different to the offer he made in his letter.
He agreed to our meeting on the 15th of September being recorded. I sat through 23 minutes of him telling me what he wanted and what he needed. Telling me that I had no empathy for him!
Yet! The proposal I had written to him in an email was never discussed. He made sure that I was shut down. I was unable to discuss anything from the first minute of the one-sided conversation. Never, have I been in a situation with a man who caused me so much hurt, grief, distress and trauma, to the point that I heard a voice saying “Oh! I’ll just kill myself should I.”
How I shared a video online in November 2020
In November 2020 I made a video in which I played a section of the September recording. I posted the video publicly, of course, he didn’t like that. He told me my children would be ashamed and I would regret it. I took the video down. However, on the 23rd of November 2021, I decided to put the video back online. I shared the video during the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence.
Yes, I know the ex didn’t hit me. This post-separation abuse was not the first time he had said or done things to hurt me and cause me emotional and psychological damage. I of course did not realise that what I had experienced was his toxic abusive behaviour. There are many women that do not realise that some behaviours are what I term “hidden abuse”.
Why did my ex behave the way he did?
Correction in the video
In the video, I make a mistake by saying the deadline of the 15th of September. I meant to say the 15th of January in 2021. When I questioned his 15th of January deadline I had not realised the date was the 15th of September. I also did not expect his outburst while recording this discussion.
I started writing my book in April 2021, I quickly got the full outline of what I wanted to write. I struggled and stopped in June and July and now through August, the ebook will be available soon.
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Post Separation Abuse. Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man
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I’m writing this book to raise awareness of some serious issues most of which are taboo subjects like:-
- Sex,
- Money or lack of…
- Personal relationship issues,
- Physical/mental health concerns,
- Personal issues including domestic abuse,
- Just about everything that needs to be discussed really.
1. Written to highlight the impact of domestic abuse and all the women who don’t survive.
Suicide facts. 200 women taking their own lives. 10,000 attempting to do so due to domestic abuse every year in the UK. That’s nearly 30 women attempting to complete suicide every single day. May 28, 2021
2. Written for all the women who have been in or are still in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship. Women who felt trapped and couldn’t find a way to leave.
Facts on why women stay:- she is financially dependent, the children, women think he will change it’s a just phase, she doesn’t know it is abuse, it’s not like a black eye or a bruise.
3. To highlight the myth of being in a common-law marriage. The gap in the Laws when a relationship fails and results in conflict or post-separation abuse.
Facts on cohabiting:-
Cohabitation is the fastest growing relationship in the UK and across Europe
Question: Do Cohabiting Couples Have Legal Rights?
Answer: No. There are No Automatic Rights.
Facts on post-separation abuse:-
One in five women in the UK report having experienced economic abuse from a current or former partner.
Economic abuse as a term does not only recognise that money and finances can be controlled by an abuser (known as ‘financial abuse’) but that other economic resources can be controlled, including food, clothing, transportation and housing. Given that it does not require physical proximity, economic abuse can start, continue, and even escalate after separation.
Written evidence submitted by Surviving Economic Abuse for the Domestic Abuse Bill – extending the offence of coercive control to post-separation abuse