POST SEPARATION ABUSE. BETRAYAL & ABANDONMENT, WHAT TYPE OF MAN?
Second edition. August 27th, 2024.
Copyright © 2024 Loren Keeling.
Written by Loren Keeling.
Foreword
I self-published this book because, on the night of August 27th, 2020, my then-partner of 11 years ended our relationship in what I now call his four-sentence discard speech. It came as a shock. That night, I told him that I would write the story. At that point, I had no idea how things would unfold post-separation.
It was April 2021 before I started writing; another reason was to document everything that had happened. I am raising awareness of hidden forms of abuse that can occur in relationships. Emotional. Psychological. Sexual. Financial.
Highlighting the gaps in the laws and how the system can fail those who need protection. How the laws concerning the separation of couples who are cohabiting are not fit for purpose and how cohabiting couples do not have the same legal rights as married couples or those in Civil Partnerships. To show how after the end of a relationship, abuse can continue in what can be termed “post-separation abuse” when one party in the relationship chooses conflict over discussion and negotiation. How an offender can (ab)use the legal systems to cause further emotional and financial devastation to their victim.
Emotional and psychological abuse comes under the term “coercive control” in th UK a law that was passed in March 2015 that came into force on the 29th December 2015. Victims of hidden forms of abuse often know that what has been happening to them isn’t right but they didn’t understand that it is domestic abuse and that it is now illegal.
For all the women who didn’t survive, those who were not able to get through the trauma and gave up on themselves and their future. More needs to be done to raise awareness and protect those who suffer this “hidden emotional and psychological abuse”. Domestic violence is a factor in up to one-quarter of female suicide attempts. The following link from the National Police Chief’s Council reports on homicide and suicide in the UK that are linked to Domestic Violence.
Facts on domestic abuse. In the year ending March 2023, an estimated 2.1 million adults aged 16 years and over experienced domestic abuse. (1.4 million women and 751,000 men).
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwalesoverview/november2023
While writing this book, there were campaigns going on in the UK to call for changes in the coercive control and domestic violence laws. The UK Charity SEA, Surviving Economic Abuse campaigned for recognition of post-separation abuse in the form of financial abuse to be included in the Domestic Abuse Bill which received royal assent by 29th April 2021.
Loren Keeling
Second Edition (Updated July 2024)
FREE CHAPTER
Living together, laws in UK and Spain
Cohabiting Statistics, UK
The number of couples choosing to live together (cohabit) in a stable intimate relationship, without getting married or entering a civil partnership, in what some people refer to as “a common law marriage”, increased by 144% between 1996 and 2021.
The obvious trend is for more and more couples to live together without getting married. Cohabiting couple families were the second-largest family type at 3.6 million in 2021.
https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/sn03372/
Married couples who divorce can have their property legally divided, unmarried couples do not have the same rights, without proof of ownership. So for example when one partner (usually the man) is named on the deeds to the house and the other party (the woman) is not, but she has contributed in some way over the years. If they split up she has no legal protection. There is no automatic right to inheritance unless a will has been created. There are also no rights to pensions between cohabiting couples. When a cohabiting relationship ends, the division of property and pensions is not covered by current laws in the UK or Spain.
However, the situation in New Zealand and Australia is different, a change in the law there means that cohabiting couples have the same or similar rights and obligations as married couples.
Is it now time for Europe to follow this lead?
In the UK, the Law Commission had concerns back in 2006 and published a consultation paper on cohabitation. Yet, incomprehensibly, despite the commissioning of various reports and surveys, nothing changed. Or nothing changed in England and Wales because if you reside in Scotland, the Family Law Act 2006 came into force in May of that year. The act introduced entirely new rights for cohabitants in Scotland.
When the Ministry of Justice published the Living Together Campaign research, most of those surveyed felt strongly that the law should be changed so that cohabiting couples would have more rights. The study uncovered that the majority of those questioned thought that cohabiting couples should have the same rights as married couples, especially in situations where couples have children together.
– 85% thought cohabiting couples should have the same rights as married couples even when they have no children.
– 90% thought cohabiting couples should automatically have the same rights as married couples when they had children together.
– A high percentage of those questioned (71%) disagreed with the statement that married couples should continue to have “special status” as a family unit.
Since 2007, how many lives have been destroyed or women who have been left living in poverty or reduced circumstances because of the lack of rights and obligations in law for cohabiting couples? What price is in action?
After the first version of this book was published there has been another attempt to change the laws around the rights of cohabiting partners.
The Government response was published in October 2022. Unfortunately, the Government failed to provide any change in legislation that would offer a higher level of protection. Instead, they opted for an increase in awareness raising, leaving the onus on individuals to protect themselves.
You can read the Government response in a PDF document here.
https://committees.parliament.uk/publications/31430/documents/176284/default/
What Protection is Available?
- Since December 2019 opposite sex couples have been able to enter into civil partnerships in England and Wales.
- Couples can have a cohabitation agreement drawn up.
- When purchasing a property together ensure both names are on the deeds of the family home or draw up a declaration of trust if ownership is to be in unequal shares.
- Taking out life insurance and creating a will is also a good idea.
When couples meet and decide to move in together the last thing that you are thinking about is what will happen if you separate. Or if one partner should die unexpectedly. But this conversation should take place, it is very important to be clear on what is intended when you are forming a new cohabiting relationship.
If you do not put some simple protections in place at the start of the relationship it can leave one or both partners in “precarious” situations.
In my case, despite the ex-partner declaring the property to be our first home and him making his will to ensure I would have some protection if he died unexpectedly. I was not named on the deeds. When he terminated the relationship the way he did and left me floundering in Spain in the property he had purchased for our retirement together I was in a “precarious” position as soon as he threatened me with eviction.
He had been responsible for paying the bills at the property most of which were on direct debits from his bank account. Even though he offered what he termed “gifts” in his financial settlement letter nothing he offered was given and nothing was legally signed. Phillip had the power and control of that. However, because of his inability to actually have an adult conversation he ended up being responsible for the utilities, house tax and insurance at the property after he had left in September 2020. In Spain an owner can not terminate the utilities at a property when it is occupied, even if that occupation is by squatters. Due to his refusal to “negotiate” or help me by paying an advance payment to redeem my UK mortgage left me in a financial predicament. This may not have been too much to bear, but the stark realisation of his abusive behaviour, the sudden termination of our relationship and then understanding that I had been involved with a man who showed no empathy no compassion and then blamed me for the situation he left me in.
That caused me more emotional trauma than anything else, I was coming to terms with the facts of having been in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. That hurt me deeply, as memories of the twisted things he did and said would pop into my mind, his cruel hurtful verbal outbursts. The sadistic sexual acts that I was manipulated and conditioned to accept. It was all too much. I was close to a complete emotional breakdown on a number of occasions in the weeks and months that followed his departure from the villa.
So what are the issues that couples need to consider? Talking about and planning for your future doesn’t mean that you are expecting to split up, it’s just a sensible way of entering such a huge commitment and making sure you are protected should the worst happen.
The property in which you live is always going to be the biggest concern, and unless you are clear from the outset about the way in which you co-own, co-tenant or co-occupy your property, then things can get pretty messy if the relationship hits the rocks.
If your name isn’t on the deed and there’s no evidence of any agreement between the two of you then it’s going to be very difficult to claim an interest in your home.
It would be very unwise for someone to make a significant investment or contribution into the property that’s owned by their partner unless there is a very clear understanding between them as to what interests they may have in that home.
If you are to have children together, consider what arrangement you want to put in place for their security as they grow up.
Avoid casual conversations. Don’t assume just because you’ve talked things through that everything is going to be fine. All too often people who have sadly lived their relationship on trust and when one partner betrays the other and terminates the relationship, that trust you once had has turned out to be meaningless when it comes to any legal rights. On the other side of the coin, be careful about making promises, as that could be used as evidence of an agreement if you break up. Of course relationships are built on trust and it can be very difficult to bring the subject up. However, it is worth remembering that when things are rosy everything seems fine but the situation and the picture can change very quickly when the relationship turns sour.
If things are not set out in an agreement, you will be relying on who said what and when. If you end up in a dispute, a judge will decide whose word is to be believed. That can be very costly and uncertain in terms of outcome, and therefore, it makes sense to have honest discussions from the start, so you both know where you stand on this. Couples often need to make these provisions. They don’t realise the importance of having a legal contract.
As the law stands, non-married couples are disadvantaged. There is no protection if one partner dies. There is no automatic inheritance rights. If the relationship ends, then division of property and pensions is not covered by current laws. Settlements out of court are better.
What I very quickly discovered is just how many gaps there are in the laws, firstly in living together with no legal certificate and secondly in the process of making a complaint against my now ex-partner for gender violence while living in Spain.
Fundamentally, it is women who are disproportionately disadvantaged in this scenario. Lawyers don’t come cheaply; you can obtain initial free advice, but that advice offers no real answers. Then, to actually instruct an international lawyer that will work between Spain and the UK, I was quoted a £1,000 deposit and then advised that if they were to take on my case, the fees could be anywhere from £5,000 upwards, money I just did not have and was not willing to commit to spending.
Because the law does not have specific remedies in cases like these, a dispute between two people who were previously in a relationship, for example, where the man is in control of the finances and the woman becomes wholly dependent, there is no law that takes into account any contribution that women make in the home making, caring and in any other non-earning capacity. So the reality is that as it stands, the law is not fit for purpose; the gaps in the law have been likened to ravines.
Of course, couples who decide to live together could opt to form a civil partnership, an option that is available to opposite-sex and same-sex couples. Registering a civil partnership will give your relationship some legal recognition and added legal rights. The numbers of civil partnerships for opposite sex couples is extremely low in comparison to the numbers of cohabiting couples and families. There were 6,879 civil partnerships formed in England and Wales in 2022 and 83.7% (5,760) were between opposite-sex couples.
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Living together in Spain
Registering “pareja de hecho”
What does Pareja de hecho mean? Roughly translated, it is “official couple” and equivalent to a “civil union.” Basically, it gives couples many of the advantages of being married without many of the obligations. Each autonomous community has its own
requirements for registering pareja de hecho, plus there are some legal qualifications.
For example.
At least one person in the relationship must be registered in the autonomous community where the union will be registered. Each person must also be legally single and not married or “pareja de hecho” to any other person. So, each person has to prove they are divorced, legally separated or widowed. You must not be related to each other, and you must to be over the age of 18. You need to show you have lived together for 12 uninterrupted months. Plus you must be mentally capable of entering into the official relationship status.
You should be aware that in Spain the law does not currently automatically recognise a claim on property and assets between unmarried couples. So if you are going to reside in Spain as a couple living together, you should make the necessary plans to either register a formal relationship or actually get married. Or, at least have both names on any owned property and a clear contract of the percentage of the division on any separation. It is also wise to have wills made out so each person is aware of what will happen if one person should die.
Buy a copy of “What Type Of Man?” Amazon UK Amazon US and Digital Bookstores.
All sales will help establish a non-profit in Spain. Spanish Version Amazon ES
The idea is to start a non-profit in Spain…
Helping Women Move From Trauma To Transformation…
LifeChangePlans.Com is a blog launched in October 2020 by a Survivor who Self-Published her first book, “What Type Of Man?” under the pen name Loren Keeling. As a survivor of Domestic Violence after a relationship ended in 2020, she experienced post-separation abuse in the form of emotional & psychological abuse, financial abuse, coercion, verbal abuse, threats and humiliation. She learned the whole truth of the past in the weeks and months after a former partner’s abrupt termination of the relationship.
Financial insecurity keeps women trapped in violent relationships. LifeChangePlans, wants to break the cycle by forming a non-profit.
LifeChangePlans aims to help women who have left abusive partners so they can launch businesses and become financially independent so they can build new lives for themselves and their children. Once a survivor is left emotionally and economically devastated, usually in receipt of benefits, it becomes even more challenging to get out of the welfare system.
IPV – intimate partner violence is a structural economic issue.
Women are at high risk of emotional, psychological, and financial devastation, plus secondary victimisation by the justice system.
The victim is never to blame for what has happened to them.
Financial insecurity is one of the biggest barriers preventing women from leaving abusive relationships—and even after they escape, the struggle to rebuild their lives is overwhelming.
We hope to set up a non-profit dedicated to empowering survivors by helping them become entrepreneurs, regain financial independence, and break free from the welfare trap. With your support, we can transform survival into success and give these women the tools to build a future on their own terms.
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