QUOTEMay 28, 2022 E.B. Johnson
“Wondering why all the narcissistic abuse survivors around you are so angry all the time? It’s because they’re healing and beginning to understand some brutal truths about who they are, who they could have been, and what it will take to get them to a state of peace and acceptance.”
Shock And Grief
I was going through the process of shock and grief following how my then-partner told me that he had started seeing another woman in the UK. (December 27th 2017)
Chapter 5. Confession to my face. From my book
Christmas of 2017 started with the usual photographs in the sunshine, opening gifts and preparing Christmas dinner, everything seemed fine. It was the day after Christmas when he came out with the sentence “he had something to tell me”. He motioned for me to sit next to him on the sofa in the lounge. I had this odd feeling because it wasn’t like him to ask me to sit next to him.
He started out by saying something like, remember when we first met and I used to talk to you about my Wednesday girl.
Well, I couldn’t recall that he talked to me about any Wednesday girl, so I just laughed, because I thought what’s this, a joke or something. Then he went on to tell me that he had connected up with this woman again in November, that she lived in Sheffield and her name was Katrina. I couldn’t quite grasp what he was saying, then after a few seconds, it sunk in.
He was confessing to me that he had met up again with a woman that he was seeing in the first months of our relationship, back in 2009. Well, when the reality of what he was saying hit home, I stood up, walked into the middle of the lounge and stood there screaming so loud and for as long as I could before having to breathe again. I was sure I would be heard in the next village. He just sat where he was at first, then he got up and tried to put his arms around me, but that was the last thing I wanted at that point. I felt like my whole world had been shattered.
I didn’t even cry. Although I had damaged my throat by screaming so loud. My thoughts were, why was he telling me this, what did he want to do, was he wanting to end our relationship?
Listen to: Hearts Ain’t Gonna Lie – Arlissa (December 2017 )
At first, I was in shock, suffered panic attacks, and yes I was angry, who wouldn’t be?
In the process of studying personal development, I was reading about gratitude and forgiveness. Being grateful and practising forgiveness. We are often told to release the negative emotions of anger and resentment. Here is one of my first affirmation videos created in April 2021 as I began to feel better and regain my self-confidence.
Let’s talk about ANGER
Maybe victims of emotional and psychological abuse are justified in feeling anger, how do we manage it without it consuming our lives?
Some of what makes victims angry.
You have been deceived by someone who was a fake persona.
Your life has been ruined.
You have been shamed, humiliated, and treated like an object that has no feelings or emotions, for months, years, decades even.
Of course, you are angry.
You thought you were with someone who loved you, you loved him/her, and you were isolated, betrayed and cheated on.
You trusted that person, they came into your life based on deceit.
That person had the goal of using you to fulfil a purpose for them, then when you were no longer useful they will harm, manipulate take advantage, devalue you and crush you.
So are you ready to be forgiving?
Yes or No?
My answer is at first I was ready to be forgiving, I didn’t want to be angry or seek revenge and be resentful. So I practised forgiveness as much as possible.
Although at the same time I had anger that needed to be released safely so that I could feel calm and at peace, a very difficult situation to resolve. I found the Ho’oponopono Prayer and recorded a version for my own YouTube Channel.
Chapter 14. Healing And Recovery From my book
Listen to: I’m Free – Ultra Nate (June 2021 )
Four steps to releasing anger and resentment
1. Release the Anger
I have found that there are a couple of methods you can use.
First, do not retaliate against the person who has caused you the hurt, distress or anger.
Remove yourself from the situation. When you are alone you can take a pillow or a cushion and start punching the pillow as hard as you like. It will not hit you back.
Another method I found that is useful is to say your piece. By this I mean to let out everything that you wanted to tell the other person but couldn’t. When you’re alone try pacing the floor and yelling out everything that you wanted to tell the person but couldn’t. I know that often controlling abusive men can shut you down, they don’t let you tell them how you are feeling or what it is you need or want. So go ahead and get it out. 2. Forgive
Forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about you. When you can let go and forgive, it releases you from the anger, the tie to the other person and feelings of hurt and sadness. The forgiveness process is about letting go and taking care of yourself.
You can visit my Youtube Channel where I created a number of short 5 and 10 minute affirmations and meditations while writing this book.
3. Write a Letter
Write a letter that you will never send. Begin each sentence with “I am angry that…”. Do this over and over until you have no more sentences that can start with “I am angry that”. For some, it may just be a page and for others more. You can’t do this wrong. By writing the sentences this way you release the emotion that is holding you back.
Or try the method I used which was my letters to the ex and letters to the other woman.
4. Look for the Gold Nuggets
In every life event, there are gold nuggets to be found, a life lesson. Think back to the event and ask yourself what you learned from this experience that is positive. How did it make you stronger or help you grow? This takes the event (that you have now forgiven and released the emotion from) and looks at the positive side. There is something to be learned in every event.
After you have done the 4 steps, if the anger and resentment rise again, ask yourself which step you need to do again. As with any healing process, it is like an onion.
You heal one layer at a time and you may need to go back a few times to heal the other layers. When this happens it is not a step backwards but another step toward total healing.
Anger Is A Part Of Your Healing Journey.
So anger is part of healing and it is a natural reaction to feel angry, hurt and upset. There will be moments when you will be reminded of what you have experienced. The issue is that society thinks that the victim should just move on, forgive and forget, and just get over it.
The legal systems and lawyers tend to shy away from victims because they are usually the people who do not have the money or the power to fight back or to stand up for themselves.
Meanwhile, the perpetrator usually does have money and power. They can pay for the best defence against any DA/DV complaint or pay for “specialist” law firms to legally cause emotional distress and punish and seek revenge via the judicial system post-separation. It has been known for DA victims to be pursued through the courts by offenders for many years after divorce and separation.
I have found this website useful, High Conflict Education and Resources.
My first book is available on Amazon and Digital Book Stores – get a copy and read about the hidden forms of emotional abuse in intimate relationships. While I also highlight the gaps in the laws in the UK and Spain. How the legal system often fails victims while allowing offenders to manipulate the system and get away with it.
Of course, you would be angry when there is no real justice.
This is my solution.
Change Your Thinking And It Will Change Your Life
Follow Your Dream – From Book Launch To Retreat Owner.
- Who do we help?
Women who experience loss of self, purpose, and identity, who are impacted by domestic violence, and those who can be left emotionally, psychologically and financially devastated post-separation. Women who become isolated, are unsupported and not validated in the experiences of abuse they have suffered.
Grief and trauma from what I call the three Ds of relationship endings.
Divorce, Death of a spouse or partner, Discard as in the abrupt termination of their relationship.
I myself have experienced all three – read my experience.