I have experienced what I term three Ds in relationship endings
2. Death of my partner
3. Discard as in the abrupt termination of the relationship by the other person.
So today I want to talk about these three D’s relationship endings.
I had been married since 1981, We met in 1979 I was 18 years old, living with my father who was mentally unstable and suffering from alcohol addiction. He had brought a woman into the home, this woman was also an alcoholic. I had become the housekeeper after my parents divorced, but not only the housekeeper, I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and did the laundry, I was the eldest of three, and there were also two brothers.
When I met a man who was 5 years older than me, and he showed me attention, I think I was charmed by the relationship. But even so, there were red flags right at the beginning. I can only look back now and see those red flags, at eighteen I was too young and had very little experience with relationships. My own parents were not a good example.
We had two daughters together, two years apart. After my second daughter and by the time I was twenty-seven years of age I had a complete nervous breakdown. Now I have written a chapter about my experience of what happened to me at that point in my life. I wrote that chapter in a collaborative book using my real name and not a pen name. The book was published in December 2021.
By the time our daughters were teenagers I had decided to study for a degree, I had started with Open University to study Social Sciences, Economics, and Special Education, and our youngest daughter was my motivation for the last choice of study.
Throughout my marriage, I was mostly dependent on my husband’s income, although I was very resourceful and did things to earn a little bit of money for myself, baking and decorating cakes that I would sell, learning how to use a machine to make jumpers cardigans and even knitted skirts, which I would also receive orders for from family and friends. I had a number of part-time jobs that I never really liked. I also had ideas that I thought I could never achieve. WHY?
Because my thoughts back then were – I’m only a housewife.
One idea that my husband was not supportive of was to rent the home that we were living in. I thought if we didn’t sell the other property, we could rent it if we were to put a deposit on another property and move out. We did move, but my idea of owning a second property was not something he saw as beneficial.
Years later I became dissatisfied with the marriage, I felt like I was a single mother, with very little emotional support.
I really wanted to end the relationship, I had talked with his sister about ending things. Her advice at that time was to start going out and have a bit of a life outside of the home. So this is what I did, I started enjoying nights out, in bars and restaurants, and nightclubs with two of my sisters-in-law. I stayed another two years in the marriage.
Eventually, I decided there was more to life. I was reaching the final year of my degree study, and he was also studying IT and computing. I found a part job in fundraising for a local Youth & Community Project. I was also a volunteer for another community project. I had booked our first overseas holiday as a family, we were booked to go to Tenerife in May.
I can’t recall what month it was when I finally decided to break the news to him. I had confided in my sister-in-law, she suggested we go out and have a meal together, and she would take care of the children. It would not be easy but I had to find a way to talk about separating and maybe ending our marriage.
How did I do that?
We were out having a meal together in a bar in the city centre. After we had finished eating, I turned the conversation to our relationship.
I told him that I felt that we had drifted apart, that we were leading separate lives. I said that if things did not improve after our holiday in Tenerife then we should think about separating. Thinking back he didn’t really have much of a reaction. No angry outbursts or verbal attacks, maybe he was in shock, or maybe he was just accepting.
My mind was made up.
On the first day of the holiday. I knew that the relationship was doomed. We were in the bar of the hotel after a very long and tiring day, with the stress of travelling by air for the very first time, and the excitement and anticipation of a holiday in Tenerife. He was standing at the bar drinking beer, he got chatting with a guy next to him, I was completely ignored. Plus I was growing tired. The barman was pouring gratis shots after every beer, so the guys were enjoying chatting with each other, while I was keeping an eye on the girls. I decided I’d had enough and told him I was going to the room.
I got the girls settled into their beds and it wasn’t long before I was asleep as well. Then I was woken by a loud knocking at the door. Yes, it was him. I had no idea what time it was or how long he had stayed drinking and chatting in the bar, but there he was standing outside with a half-full glass of beer in his hand and swaying from side to side. Not the picture I wanted to see from the person I had talked to about “if things did not improve after our holiday in Tenerife then we should think about separating.” He collapsed onto the bed, and I tried to get back to sleep. I have no clue what was going through his mind but he was talking in his sleep, he even sat on the edge of the bed at one point and was saying out loud, “one, zero, one, one” I guess it was something to do with the computing course he was studying, binary code, perhaps.
So that was when my mind was made up, this relationship was going to end.
How did I end it?
I didn’t have any savings, not enough for a deposit to rent another place. I did not want to ask him to leave, he had no income and was studying for his degree in computing. I asked my stepfather for help if he could loan me some money so that I could rent a place and move out. That is what I did, our daughters came with me, my eldest daughter came with me to look at a house and as we both stood in the lounge looking at each other we knew that it was perfect. On our first night in that house we slept on sun lounges as we had not moved the beds from our home, it was just all girls together, including my daughter’s friend. We didn’t get much sleep as we talked and laughed for most of the night, and when we did try to sleep the noise of the springs from the sunloungers kept us awake.
I did it.
I had moved out of the marital home, I owned half of that property we were joint and severally liable for the mortgage. We also had insurance policies and shares from privatisations. I asked if he would cash in the shares so that he could give me half, and he agreed. I was still working a part-time job and so needed to claim some welfare payment to help with the monthly costs of rent, household bills and food. The most hurtful thing I think he said to me was that I only wanted to have our daughters with me so that I could claim the benefits. That hurt me deeply.
At that time I was still working to finish my degree studies. I also moved from volunteer to paid work in another youth and community project. Eventually, I was working three part-time jobs because of the success I had in raising huge amounts of funding for those projects. Thanks to my studies with Open University and my choice to take a summer school in IT at Sunderland University.
My credit record was good right then and I decided maybe if I could get a mortgage I could buy a cheap house, refurbish it and move out of rented accommodation. What actually happened was that my husband, we were not yet divorced, asked if I wanted to buy out his share of the equity in the property. I was able to obtain a mortgage that covered the outstanding loan and he was given 50% of the equity. I moved back into the home with our girls. Our divorce came later after I found myself working my first ever full-time job but that’s another story. There was no legal conflict. I did not even instruct a solicitor. The property had already been divided, I was paying my own mortgage, I had another relationship and so did my husband.
I was not interested in trying to secure any further income or financial support or even looking at if I was entitled to any share of a pension.
Death of my partner.
In my first book, I start the first chapter with how my second long-term relationship ended. It was very sudden a complete shock and was on the day that we were meant to be starting our Christmas holiday together. We had booked to go to Tenerife, something we did the year before in December, we were in business together we had a property management and HMO student rental business. We had started that business from nothing in 2005, it came out of the ashes of another business failure where another person had defrauded hundreds of landlords and students when they had scaled the business far too quickly and were robbing Peter to pay Paul.
So this was December 2006 and we were packed and ready to leave with our suitcases. Locked up and started the short walk to the University Metro station that would take us directly to Newcastle Airport for our flights.
We had walked as far as the bridge across the train lines that would take us down to the platform, when I heard a stumble from behind me, as I looked around I saw John stagger forward while dragging his suitcase behind him. He took a few steps and then fell forward, his head hit the post of the street light as he fell to the ground. I knew that he had not been well in the past few months but he didn’t complain or sought further medical attention since the last episode he experienced way back in September.
I rushed to help him, he was unconscious, I had to lift him up from where he had fallen, his head trapped between the lamppost and the panels of the bridge. I moved him onto his back with no one else around, and then as he lay there I called for assistance. I was talking to the person in the call centre who was giving me instructions and telling me to start a heart massage, which I started to do. Then I was conscious of people walking by and one young man suddenly bent down and took over with the heart massage compressions. I stood there watching in disbelief, I could hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance, it seemed like an absolute eternity while I was watching this young student performing the compressions on John’s motionless body. He only stopped to allow the paramedics to take over once the ambulance arrived. In the process of the change, over I noticed a smile on John’s face, at that point I had this little voice inside of me saying, he has gone. I had this inner thought that he has just met someone he knows and is happy to see them, his sister perhaps who had died sometime before.
A few days later, and I am dealing with funeral arrangements, I’m sitting in the kitchen after having had a meeting with the Vicar. He was going to be doing the funeral service and he had just left. The radio was on, and as I was sitting there a song was playing and the words caught my attention. That song was “Keeping the dream alive” by Münchener Freiheit.
In my first book, I reproduced a part of the lyrics with permission.
The main part of the lyrics that I heard right then was:
“The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive”
I decided I was going to be keeping the dream alive, the dream we had to run the business together. I chose to purchase this song and it was played as people were leaving the funeral service. So this is how my second relationship ended, we were not married, we lived together in a private rental, a three-bedroom apartment on the edge of the city centre. I was in full-time employment in December 2006, earning just over £23,000 per year, our business was just starting to take off after starting in the summer of the year before. I had lost my friend, my lover, and my business partner. Fortunately, I was not about to lose my income or my home, and I had high hopes that I could continue to build on the business we had started together.
I continued to run this business up until 2016. Despite some difficult economic situations like the financial crash of 2007 and the introduction of legislation around rental deposit schemes, plus increases in Student fees in 2012. I had to diversify and move the business into different markets, the drop off of students meant opening up to family rentals and professional room lets and not just students as HMO-owning property investors were struggling to let their properties to students. I’m not the type of person to give up easily.
By 2016 I was in my third long-term relationship after attracting a man into my life in March 2009. How did I attract another man into my life? I write about this in my first book “One late night in January 2009, I was sitting in my office in the flat, and I started thinking about “What Type Of Man” I wanted in my life.”
It had been just over two years since John had died. I had met a couple of boyfriends but nothing that became serious. Anyway, I was going to write out what I wanted in my next relationship. I took a piece of A4 paper and stared at the blank sheet thinking about the night out I’d had with my friends. I remember a song that was playing in one of the bars, it was Bonnie Tyler’s singing “Holding Out For A Hero”, with the words “I Need A Hero” and “he’s got to be strong”, but what type of relationship was I looking for?
I felt totally lost and confused, I don’t think I could identify the qualities I wanted in my next relationship. Perhaps I should have started with what I didn’t want.
Anyway, I wrote on the paper that I wanted a kind and generous man, a friend, a lover and a soul mate, someone to laugh with. Someone who I could go on holiday with two or three times a year. A strong man, a confident man, someone to share my life with.
Who did I manifest into my life?
I had found a man who was in business for himself, like me. He seemed like a gentleman, kind and considerate. Confident, but not overpowering, assertive but not controlling. He described himself as an alpha male. He made me laugh, we laughed together. He was generous, he paid for our first holiday together. It was my belief that I had found the man that was to be a friend, a lover and a soul mate. Someone, with whom I would share my life. Of course, I was cautious at first, but I realised that I should tread carefully, like any new relationship, you need to take your time to get to know the person before you throw all caution to the wind.
As in the abrupt termination of the relationship by the other person.
This relationship ended on August 27th of 2020 the year of the lockdowns and Covid restrictions. When businesses across many countries were struggling as Governments implemented legislation and rules to try to avoid the spread of the virus.
How did he end our eleven years together?
It was ruthless and hasty he moved on very quickly after he had been talking online with a woman he knew from the early 1980s. He met her again in person apparently on August 21st 2020.
It was after we had been entertaining friends, they had just left.
He suggested a nightcap before bed, and as he prepared the drinks I tidied away. We were sitting in the armchairs on the porch of our home, I had just taken a sip of my drink.
Then he delivered the four sentences that ended our relationship.
“I’ve got something to tell you”
He continued with:-“I’m in love with another woman”
“We can remain friends if you want to remain friends”
“ We just can’t have sex anymore”
And that is why I call this an abrupt termination of the relationship or Discard.
“Narcissistic discard is when a person with narcissistic tendencies ends their relationship with you. It can often feel like you’ve been used and discarded.”Quote from VeryWellMind.com
August 29th – Two days later he writes me the letter of his financial proposal or “gifts” as he termed it. He obviously couldn’t talk to me face to face, so as always he did the next best thing, he types it out in a document so he can hand it to me. Only he couldn’t get the printer to work, he almost begs me to help him, I look at him and just say “send it in an email”, and walk out of the office.
Sure enough, his letter arrives by email. I quickly read it. I see the words “I know that you have a lot to process at the moment.”
I returned his email with, Thanks but No Thanks, I have a lot to process right now. I detail the contents of the letter in the Chapter “His Way Or No Way At All”
August 30th – He wants to sell both of his properties. His Uk & Spanish homes. The Spanish house was our first home together, the home I’d lived in since 2016. As ever I fall into line and I help him to instruct an agent to put the house on the market. I thought the agent was a friend, unfortunately, I discovered to my cost later that she wasn’t. There was a viewing within a few days, I don’t think that the woman who viewed was very interested.
September 4th – He comes into the bedroom where I am keeping myself out of his way. He is angry and threatening. I am shocked. He stands over me while I am sitting on the bed reading. He then shouts in my face, Not to fuck with him! He tells me, he is in control and I do as he says. And if I don’t, I’m out on the streets.
The Agent (ex-friend/acquaintance) had telephoned him to provide feedback from her client. She told him that I had made a negative comment. Actually, I was asked a question that I answered honestly. The question was, “Is there much noise from the motorway?” I answered that I can hear the odd lorry zoom down the motorway at around 6 am but I sleep with the windows open. To which she replies are the windows double-glazed? And I said yes.
So there you have it, negative or truthful?
September 15th – More of his threats, verbal abuse, angry rage, intimidation and humiliation. As I am subjected to his verbal onslaught for 26 minutes. We had agreed on a meeting at our home in order that I could discuss with him the details of his financial proposal and the proposal I had written to him for his consideration.
Only he shut me down, I did not get to say anything. I had to listen to what he wanted and what he needed. What he was prepared to do. I had already made a request for this meeting to be recorded.
1. I did not trust him to be civil. In fact, I had experienced his anger outbursts in the past, 2018 was the worst year. But there were other earlier incidents, most of which I had forgotten and brushed under the carpet.
2. I thought that in my emotional state I would need a recording in order to process everything we discussed.
3. It would be useful as the main points could be transcribed into a document to be taken to a notary for signing into a binding agreement. Something he had in fact offered in his first letter. Plus in my email, I made the request for my name to be put onto the deeds as he had offered 50% of the value of the property and I was asking to purchase the other half from him.
He was offering me four months to raise the money to buy him out of the property. After his verbal onslaught and his reaction to the ideas I’d had, I was not in a positive state of mind about what had happened. I blamed myself. I was ashamed. I felt guilty as if I had done something really terrible.
October 5th – The date I received his email. That email told me everything I needed to know about the type of man I had been in a relationship with. A man who “never loved me”, his words sprang off the screen and were burned into my heart from that moment.
In April 2021 I started my first YouTube Channel You can Subscribe to my Channel here
This is my Welcome Video
In my book, I go into the full details of what happened in that meeting. “His way Or No Way At All”
And this is why I titled my first book. Post-Separation Abuse. Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?