I started out in my last relationship as an independent businesswoman. Then I moved to Spain into what was meant to be our retirement home together. 2016 I sold out my UK business to start over with a different type of business.
He was still working his business and spent time in the UK & then in our home in Spain.
I didn’t see the red flags 
I became isolated from family and friends in the UK. Then I started to build connections in the neighbourhood here in Spain. Still determined to learn new skills and start over in a new direction. He was always critical and sometimes sarcastic and demeaning.
Still had no clue.
Dec 2017, he dropped a bombshell. Confessed to cheating, but was not ending things.
I call the fallout from this, maximum damage maximum hurt.
I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis.
January 2018 before he returned to the UK he told me he was going to pay money into my UK business account. This gesture was meant to be so I could pay the bills here. Only he was in control of most of the house expenses as they came out of his account on direct debit.
After he left I experienced shock, grief, and panic attacks as I was thrown into turmoil. Not knowing what he wanted. Working on learning new skills and creating a business for my and our future together was on hold. Guessing I was in a state of emotional confusion.
I had no one here I could talk to, I chatted to a couple of his friends and our neighbour in the UK. I knew the neighbour knew about this because my partner had told me. As we chatted online he told me, “You sound as if you are trapped”
Replying, “Yes and he knows it, and he is beating me down with what he is doing, I wrote a blog about it.
I ask the question, “Why is he angry at me when he is the one that cheated?”
I talked about how I had seen a completely different side to him since 2015 when he bought our retirement home.
Didn’t know then what I know now.
Devaluation stage
He loves me, He loves me not.
The man or the monster.
I was likely also trauma bonded from the first stage of the relationship. The kind, caring generous businessman I met in 2009. The one that bought lovely gifts, and we went on holiday together.
Now he was even more sarcastic, demeaning and cruel. He would say horrible things, like in one angry outburst he shouted at me, “You haven’t got enough money to buy paper to wipe your backside with” Feb 2018 after he had decided to pay a monthly allowance.
Then in a face time call, there was another angry exchange, “I’m throwing nearly £700 a month at you” again confused.
And I still had no clue. So confused
Then in March, I’m told he has booked a scuba diving trip, 10 days in Cyprus. A place we visited together in 2010 one of our many holidays together. But since 2015 we had not been on any holidays together. I asked him if we would be leading separate lives now. Again he snapped and raged. I had to hang up as he flew into one of his angry outbursts.
I then learned I could not speak with him. Not able to speak about how hurt and confused I was because he would get angry with me and I would be apologising, or hanging up.
In April 2018 I ended up recording a telephone conversation. He started to raise his voice so I hit record on my iPad. I explained how confused I was about what he told me, when he had said I was safe here I should be grateful that I had this lovely place to live, then on another call, he was angry telling me he was throwing money at me.
This is when he went into a rant in which he accuses me of trying to make him feel emotionally responsible for my bad decisions as if I’VE MADE YOU DEPENDENT ON ME, YOU WERE A STRONG POWERFUL INDEPENDENT WOMAN TILL I CAME ALONG AND MADE YOU INTO WHAT YOU ARE NOW, I’VE MADE HOU DEPENDENT ON ME.
It was true, I was dependent on him.
But I was saying, no, I’ve never said that.
Then he says.
No, no I can hear it in your f***ing voice.
Do you think this is gaslighting?
Or is a narcissistic person raging and dropping a truth bomb?
While he was away in Cyprus I had this strange intuition that he was not on a scuba diving holiday. I felt that he was on holiday with the woman he had confessed to, the woman he had called his Wednesday Girl.
I somehow logged into the laptop that we shared as him and found out, he had lied to me. He was on holiday with his Wednesday girl. He had ordered and sent the tour guide to Cyprus to this women’s home address. I discovered he had also sent an email to the manager of the Roman Boutique Hotel asking him to make sure that there was a DOUBLE bed in the room.
What Type Of Man?
Lying, cheating, master manipulators, who can love bomb, devalue, gaslight, discard and make your life a misery.
You might like to read the article “Emotional Energy Spiral“
“Post Separation Abuse, Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?”
by Loren Keeling
Find it on Amazon and Digital ebook Stores
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