If you want to rebuild your relationship, let’s look at your question “Why is he angry at me when he is the one that cheated?”
When you are emotional, tearful, hurt and wounded a partner’s words of blame are self-serving and selfish. Either he or she is trying to get you to feel guilty so you won’t want to talk about the affair which essentially “shuts you down” and makes dealing with infidelity impossible. Or he or she does not have the strength of character to accept 100% responsibility. They struggle with feelings of guilt and shame for what he or she has done.
If you want to direct anger away from you and rebuild your relationship.
Seven stages to healing and recovering a relationship, surviving after discovering infidelity.
Here is what you can do:
1. All contact with the outside person must cease. They must choose who they want to be with you or the outside person. If they say they want to continue to be with you then they must cut off all connections with the other person. They must promise not to accept contact or initiate contact with the outside person.
2. Prove that cheating has stopped. They must accept that you need to know that there has been NO contact. If you ask where they are and who they are with, they must agree to tell you. They should agree to prove that they have cut off all communications. Only after you are sure that your partner is not having contact with the other person can you then proceed to the next step.
It was NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT.
3. The cheating partner has to take 100% of the responsibility. They did it, and they are suffering the consequences. It was NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT. He or she should know blaming you is self-serving and selfish. No one has to be perfect in order to deserve respectful and honest treatment. Your partner needs to recognise that they have deeply hurt you and that what they have done is wrong. They must show in words and feelings that they are truly sorry.
4. They betrayed you. They need to realise that you deserve and have the right to do whatever you need to do to heal and eventually get beyond the pain and trauma you are experiencing. One of the biggest mistakes some infidelity victims make is to accept blame for what has happened. This is wrong and unhelpful to the surviving infidelity process. If there were problems in your relationship there are many ways to solve them and cheating is not one of them.
Some of the books I have chosen as resources for individuals experiencing grief, anxiety or trauma.
Books I can recommend personally to help you understand emotional and psychological abuses.
Plus support for high conflict divorce or surviving a relationship with a narcissist.
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Talk about your feelings
5. Make set times to talk things through. Talk about your feelings and the affair. It is important to offer your cheating partner your forgiveness. Forgiveness only helps when you know what happened, then when you forgive it will mean something. They must be willing to answer your questions truthfully, be careful not to disguise your anger as questions. Try not to ask questions that have answers that will “haunt you” the purpose of your questions is to get information. Tell your partner they must not lie when answering your questions.
Try not to internalise your anger and rage let it out, let your partner know that you need to express and release the negative emotions inside of you. Don’t direct the anger and rage at them this will cause more damage to your relationship. Instead, release your negative emotions and let them go. Scream out loud if you have to, beat up a cushion, go for a long walk, and release your tears. Anger expressed healthily, does not do any harm to your relationship, to any person (not even emotionally), or physical property, or to yourself.
Take things easy, and go slowly, this healing of emotions in your relationship is a difficult process and can take weeks to complete. When needed discuss your situation for a set period of time each day. Don’t become overwhelmed which could result in fighting and further breakdown of the relationship.
Work on getting things back to normal.
6. Work on getting things back to normal. You need to look after yourself and each other and parent your children. Eat, sleep, go to work, spend time together doing things you enjoyed previously, simple tasks like preparing dinner together, going out for a walk together, and watching a favourite movie. Make time to “pretend” the affair never happened so you can build on being happy together.
7. Build a strong and happy relationship. Resolve any problems that were present in your relationship before the affair happened. If your relationship has lost some of the sexual and emotional intimacy this needs to be corrected. Getting to this stage in the process is where your cheating partner can express what he or she needs to be happier.
After you have successfully moved through all seven stages then you may find you are ready to forgive your partner. Forgiveness is the final stage, and accepting infidelity is hard work. However, what has happened will never be forgotten, you may have difficult days far into the future, and you both need to accept this fact of life to continue to move forward as a happy couple.
Raising awareness of hidden emotional and psychological abuse in intimate relationships
and how that abuse can continue or be revealed post-separation.
Telling my own story – Author Loren Keeling
Post-Separation Abuse. Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?
Three reasons why I published my first book.
1. To raise awareness of hidden emotional and psychological abuse in intimate relationships.
2. Highlighting the gaps in the laws that often fail women. As a warning to unmarried couples especially women who become or are financially dependent on their partners.
3. For information and educational purposes signposting to helpful resources.
You will also discover
2 Resources for keeping a record of bullying & abusive incidents.
Writing as a way to heal – Letters to the ex – Letters to the other women
40 Signs of Emotional Abuse
4 Steps to Release Anger & Resentment
5 Ways to Recover & Heal