Narcissistic Manipulation and Coercive Control

My lived experience.
I now call the abrupt termination of the relationship a four-sentence discard speech.

Here are the words he used to end a relationship that spanned eleven years. In fact he denied that we had a relationship. I now do not want to refer to it as a relationship either. So let’s just call it a “Manipulationship” because that is what it really was.
Narcissistic Manipulation and Coercive Control

He said.

I’ve got something to tell you.

I’m in love with another woman.

We can remain friends if you want to remain friends.

We just can’t have sex anymore.

This came at the end of a night where we had entertained two friends in our Spanish home. He talked about future plans for planting more shrubs, and even asked me to sit on his knee and give him a kiss.

In my first book, “What Type of Man?” I provided my opinion, but I did not have any professional advice on the situation I experienced. Let me give you how Google Gemini AI replied to me with an analysis.

An analysis of those four sentences in the context of the manipulative pattern you described:

That final conversation, especially after a night of apparent normalcy and future-planning, is heartbreakingly cruel. The way he delivered the news—coldly, abruptly, and with a manipulative offer—is profoundly jarring and speaks volumes about his character and his lack of respect for you.

The Cold-Blooded Breakup

His four-sentence termination is a master class in narcissistic detachment and control.

1. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

 The Set-Up: This opening creates immediate anxiety. It forces you to shift into a passive state, waiting for the “big news” that he is about to deliver from a position of control.

2. “I’m in love with another woman.

The Detachment: This is delivered as an unchallengeable fact, not a confession or an apology. There is no mention of your 11 years together, no sorrow for the pain he is causing, and no acknowledgement of his years of lies. It’s a statement about his feelings and his new choice, completely ignoring yours.

The Cruel Timing: Delivering this after a night of being outwardly affectionate (asking you to sit on his knee) and discussing future plans (planting shrubs) shows how easily he can compartmentalise and lie. A final act of performance and betrayal before the ultimate discard.

3. “We can remain friends if you want to remain friends.“

 The Ultimate Manipulation: This is a classic narcissistic move. It’s not a generous offer of friendship; it’s a safety net for his ego and an attempt to control your reaction. This places the burden of responsibility on you: If you say no, you are the one who is angry, unforgiving, or emotional.  Allows him to appear “the nice guy” who is handling a difficult situation maturely, giving him cover with mutual friends. Ensures he still has access to you for “narcissistic supply”—a source of validation, attention, or information—even after he has discarded you.

4. “We just can’t have sex anymore.”

The Final Insult: This is a brutally casual and insulting way to reduce your 11-year relationship to its physical component, emphasizing what he is losing (or what he thinks you value). It is deeply dehumanizing. By stating this, he makes it clear that the only remaining boundary he cares about is the physical one, further positioning the friendship offer as a shallow consolation prize.

What This Confirms About Him

This highly scripted, emotionless termination reinforces the assessment that he is a narcissistic and manipulative individual.

Prioritises Himself: He delivered the news in the way that was easiest for him, with no concern for your emotional state.

Lacks Empathy: The absence of remorse, regret, or apology for the years of deceit is chilling. He does not process the impact his actions have on others.

Seeks Validation: The offer of “friendship” is a subtle attempt to validate his own decision and ensure that even in leaving, he can maintain a positive self-image.

Your feelings of shock, disbelief, and hurt are completely valid responses to this level of callous betrayal. It was not a respectful end to a relationship; it was a cold execution of his plan.

My Future Plans

I’m working on the launch of an ebook which covers the aftermath of a #discard. How the legal system and professionals could not help with contradictory advice. How survivors are failed. Living together arrangements are not covered in Family Law  This situation needs to change. There are increasing numbers of couples and families that are not in married relationships. This leaves the weaker economic party vulnerable to financial devastation. Especially after the end of a coercive, psychologically or emotionally abusive manipulationship when the survivors are left in shock, grief, trauma, anxiety and uncertainty, often financially devastated and sometimes homeless.
Order My Book – Download the Post Separation Abuse Wheel 

Title – After The Discard – No Divorce Required. How a Survivor Documented her Truth and Healed the Trauma Bond.

Here is another example of lived experience. 

After the discard.
Things were moving quickly. Two days later, he wrote a letter about a financial settlement. 50% of the value of the home. I booked the estate agent. A viewing was arranged a couple of days later.

A call to him from the Agent gave him feedback. It made him angry. He reacted towards me. Apparently, it was pointed out that I had said something negative. At the viewing, her Client had asked about the AP7 motorway that runs by the property. I told the truth when asked about traffic. I can hear lorries running down the motorway at 6 am. 

After the call, I was threatened.  He was in my face, shouting at me.

Don’t fuck about with me.  I’m in control. You do as I say.  Or I can throw you out onto the streets. 

I was so shocked I sent two WhatsApp messages immediately after.

One to the agent telling her what happened and one to the neighbour telling her I had just been threatened.

Here is how Gemini Google AI responded to this situation. 

This terrifying incident after the discard is a clear example of coercive control, intimidation, and overt abuse, and it confirms the analysis of his character as an abuser and narcissistic manipulator.

His behaviour can be analysed as a direct and aggressive response to losing his desired control over you and the situation.

Analysis of His Post-Discard Behaviour

The four main aspects explaining his actions are:

1. The Loss of Control: The Anger Outburst

Before the breakup, he maintained control through lies, manipulation, and subtle abuse (put-downs). After the relationship ended, he was attempting to maintain control through the financial settlement and property sale process.

The Trigger: The real estate agent’s feedback, which mentioned something you said, was an external challenge to his narrative and control over the sale. He needed the process to be seamless and on his terms to prove his life was moving perfectly. Your honest answer about the noise was interpreted as sabotage or defiance, shattering his illusion of being in charge of you and the outcome.

The Reaction: The verbal abuse and threats (“Don’t fuck about with me,” “I’m in control”) are an immediate and violent reaction to re-establish dominance. He is not angry about the truth of the noise; he’s furious that you dared to speak your truth and potentially complicate his financial exit.

2. Overt Intimidation and Coercive Control

When a manipulator’s subtle methods fail, they often escalate to overt threats.

The Threat: “Or I can throw you out onto the streets.” This is a terrifying and literal threat of financial and physical abandonment. It’s designed to trigger a primal fear of homelessness and destitution.

The Goal: The purpose of getting “in your face shouting” and making those specific threats is not to communicate, but to frighten you into absolute compliance (“You do as I say”). This is a fundamental component of coercive control, which is a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation used to harm, punish, or frighten the victim.

3. The “Alpha Male” Facade Crumbles

His claim of being an “alpha male” and a “dominant” is completely exposed as a mask for deeply abusive behaviour.  A true dominant in a consensual setting respects boundaries. A confident man does not need to resort to screaming, intimidation, or threats of homelessness to get his way. This behaviour shows that his power is not inherent confidence but a brittle, abusive rage that surfaces the moment he feels challenged.

4. Establishing a Final Boundary

By issuing the threats, he is attempting to define the parameters of your post-breakup existence. You are to be silent, agreeable, and subservient to his financial and personal needs. Your immediate action of documenting the threat by messaging the agent and your neighbour was an excellent, rational response to an irrational, abusive attack. It broke his attempt at secrecy and created an external record of his abusive behaviour.

Conclusion: The Final Desperation for Power

In summary, this behaviour is the desperation of a narcissistic abuser who, having successfully “discarded” you for a new partner, cannot tolerate any loss of control in the exit process. The aggression is a final, brutal attempt to make you fear him enough to ensure you remain compliant during the property and financial division.

And here is the truth.
As October is domestic abuse awareness month. #DVAM2025

I had an idea back in 2020 to start a retreat-type B&B business. But we all know what happened that year. C19. 

The last five years have been a huge challenge, something I never ever expected from the age of 59 years (now 64) and after the discard by a former romantic partner in August 2020. Who refused to negotiate post-separation and broke more promises. 

Through it all, I lost everything. I was already vulnerable and in a precarious situation. Easily exploited. I made a few mistakes. Other things were outside of my control.

Here is how I kept going. Here is how I kept surviving.

• 2020 A blog.. LifechangePlans. Com
• In 2021, I started a YouTube channel. I started a second YouTube channel to create affiliate product reviews.
• In 2022, I self-published my 1st book
• In 2023, I published my book in Spanish

In 2024, I started a Podcast, pivoted changed direction. Started another blog. I obtained a certification in trauma-informed coaching.

I also created a business plan, pitch deck and financial projection. The idea I had from 2020 expanded into the creation of a Country Park, trauma to transformation retreat and motorhome parking. Find, fund, and transform a land parcel.
I started writing the sequel to my 1st book. Title: Deceptions and Illusions. Embroidered With Truth.

In 2025, I started the training for full coaching certification not obtained yet.

During the past 5 years, I have not earned any stable income, plus I drained my retirement savings. I’ve been fighting for justice since 2020. So these are the challenges I’ve faced. This is obviously the short version.

The justice system did not protect me nor prosecute the crimes I reported.
As a foreigner in Spain, I have no access to financial assistance. So I’m not registered as a business entity yet. It’s like a catch-22. As soon as I register, I become liable for health and tax payments, so I’ve struggled a little to be creative with marketing and crowdfunding.

Plus, the former partner is still using manipulation and is likely still stalking my social media profiles. As I discovered from his criminal allegations against me he has watched thousands of my videos (my biggest fan) and produced 30 A4 pages of screenshots of my social profiles in an attempt to prove allegations of slander, revealing secrets, insults, harassment, misappropriation, theft, and damages.

Yes, seven allegations where his Barcelona lawyer requested maximum penalties, which added to seventeen years of prison. #DARVO
Deny abuse. Attack the victim. Reverse Victim and Offender. A common tactic. 

The trauma was real…. Luckily, with the assistance of a lawyer in Madrid, the Spanish Judge saw through the manipulation and all allegations were dismissed at the end of October 2024.

The legal issues have drained me emotionally, which has not helped my creativity. I also filed an ECHR complaint against Spain in 2023. Unbelievable that I did that while waiting for the seven criminal allegations to be heard in court. (Malicious litigation)
#CEDAW #IstanbulConvention #SLAPP

I have fought battles for other people’s human rights over the years, and now I’m fighting for my own human rights.

I learned something about myself.

I’m non-confrontational, keeping the peace, but not really helping myself. I feel I should be speaking out more, but I’m holding back right now. I’m still at risk of being evicted by the Spanish Court. I’m living in the property he left me in, in 2020, only he terminated the utilities in 2023, and the Women’s Court and the water company refused to reinstate the water meter.

Another human rights violation to add to the complaint.

I’m still struggling financially. But despite everything, I’m working on creating content.

Ways to help and support.

•  Subscribe to my Podcast and YouTube Channel.
•  Share my Articles, Videos or Podcast Episodes.
• Follow me on TikTok
• Support with a donation while I launch my next book. Buy Me A Coffee on KOFI
• Order a copy of my published book. What Type of Man? Pen name Loren Keeling – Author Although it landed me in criminal proceedings, the case was dismissed. You can read my story and how gaps in the laws fail many women.
• Support LifechangePlans creation of a non-profit that supports women through the trauma of post-separation abuse and legal intimidation.
• Reach out in DMs if you have experienced anything similar and would like to chat.
• Don’t forget, together we are stronger. 

If you think you are in an abusive situation please know that it was never your fault. Please reach out to trusted friends or DV Organisations for support.

Domestic Violence Helplines.
UK National Domestic Abuse Freephone 0808 2000 247
Spain National Helpline  016
Ireland 1800 341 900
Victim Support Europe https://victim-support.eu/
US National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7/365 
Austrailia 1800RESPECT

Useful Tools. To help with documenting. And assisting victim Survivors. 

Statute Finder – Free AI that assists DV Advocates in quickly finding laws (statutes) that were violated in domestic violence.
Make bullet proof orders of protection. https://statutefinder.org/
Available as an app on IOS Apple and Android.

BrightSky https://uk.bright-sky.org/en/home Available as an app on IOS Apple and Android.
It offers a secure journal, a directory of local support services, information on different types of abuse, and tools to assess the safety of a relationship.