5 Shocking Tactics of Hidden Emotional Abuse
The most effective cage isn’t built of steel bars; it’s built of unprecedented kindness. It doesn’t start with shouting, insults, or control. It starts with gestures of profound understanding and a sense of being cared for like never before. How can someone be in a relationship for years, building a life with a partner, without ever realising the foundation is built on lies and manipulation?
The story of Loren, a survivor who shared her experience on the “Narcissist Apocalypse” podcast, is a powerful and unsettling case study in this kind of hidden emotional abuse. Her journey reveals the counter-intuitive tactics a manipulative partner can use to establish control, create dependency, and slowly dismantle a person’s reality. This article distils the five most surprising and impactful lessons from her experience, offering clarity for anyone who has ever felt confused, devalued, or trapped in a relationship they can’t make sense of.
The Ultimate Disguise is Unprecedented Kindness
Contrary to what many believe, a highly manipulative person doesn’t always begin a relationship with red flags. Often, they begin with overwhelming acts of care and manufactured honesty designed to disarm you completely. Loren’s first date was a masterclass in this. Her partner advised her to tell a friend where she was for safety and even encouraged her to research him online—actions that created an immediate and powerful, albeit false, sense of trust.
This was solidified by a simple, memorable act that Loren calls the “blister story.” While walking around a city, she got a blister on her foot. He immediately noticed, stopped everything, and insisted they go to a pharmacy. Once there, he found a chair, sat her down, personally bought the plasters (Band-Aids), and knelt to put one on her foot himself. For Loren, this was a profound moment.
I am sitting there going oh wow, this has never happened before … ” The other two relationships, none of them would have done this, and I would have likely been called some stupid name…”
This act of “love bombing” was incredibly effective. It created a powerful behavioural baseline, an emotional anchor of extreme, theatrical care designed to become the standard against which all future bad behaviour would be measured and excused. This single moment made her feel uniquely cherished, and its memory would later make it nearly impossible to recognise the abuse when it began.
Isolation Can Look Like a Shared Dream
The couple’s shared dream was to own a retirement home in Spain. This seemingly romantic goal became the primary tool for Loren’s isolation. This wasn’t a case of being physically locked away. Instead, it was a subtle, geographic separation that removed her from her friends, family, and business in the UK, giving him the freedom to live a complete double life.
The depth of this control became chillingly clear when his mother passed away. He was in the UK, and Loren was in Spain overseeing the construction of their new pool. He made the unilateral decision that she was to remain in Spain to manage the construction and was not to attend the funeral with him. The decision established a clear hierarchy of control: his “practical” needs were deliberately positioned as more important than her emotional needs. A seemingly logical choice was, in fact, a calculated act of subordination.
Financial Abuse Can Be a Weaponised “Gift”
Financial abuse is often pictured as a partner withholding funds or preventing someone from working. However, Loren’s experience reveals a more cunning tactic. After his affair began, her partner started depositing nearly €700 a month into her UK business bank account. She didn’t ask for this money, nor did she need it. Her goal in 2017 was to learn new skills in digital marketing and launch a new business, which was sabotaged by the Christmas confession.
While many imagine financial abuse as the act of withholding money, this tactic demonstrates a far more insidious form: weaponising generosity. This was not an act of kindness; it was a strategic move to create leverage. By “gifting” her money, he was arming himself for future conflicts. He created a false sense of obligation and a tool he could later use to play the victim, accuse her of being ungrateful, and frame her as someone taking his money while daring to complain. He manufactured a debt she never agreed to, all to silence her.
The “Entitled” Affair: When Betrayal is Redefined as a Right
The moment of confession was as shocking as it was revealing. At Christmastime, her partner told her he was having an affair with a woman he called the “Wednesday girl.” The true psychological blow, however, wasn’t just the betrayal itself—it was his justification for it.
…he was then telling me he was entitled to see this woman because he works very hard…
He didn’t apologise. Instead, he declared a new reality. He announced that he would continue seeing the other woman when he was in the UK and be with Loren when he was in Spain. This unilateral creation of an “open relationship” without her consent is a profound form of gaslighting. It forced Loren into a state of intense cognitive dissonance, compelling her to hold two opposing beliefs simultaneously: that she was in a committed relationship, and that her partner was somehow entitled to cheat.
The Final Discard is Total Reality Inversion
The end of the relationship was brutal. During a meeting to discuss the finances of their separation, his behaviour was explosive. He was shouting, banging his fist on the table, and verbally abusing her. But the most psychologically damaging part was his accusations. He told her that she was being “disrespectful” and that she “lacked empathy.”
This is a classic manipulation tactic known as projection. He was accusing her of the very behaviours he was demonstrating in that exact moment. This reality inversion is designed to confuse and destabilise the victim, making them question their own perceptions and feel responsible for the abuser’s rage. For Loren, the final moment of clarity came on October 5th, when she received an email from him threatening that she would be “forcibly removed” and would “leave with nothing.” It was then that the entire picture snapped into focus.
“…from that date on the 5th of October was exactly the date that I remember that is when I understood that the whole of the relationship had been a lie and that I had been in a relationship and had been abusive manipulationship.”
From Pain to Purpose
Recognising these hidden, counter-intuitive, and deeply manipulative tactics is the crucial first step toward healing and reclaiming one’s reality. It validates the confusion, hurt, and trauma that victims of hidden abuse experience.
After her world fell apart, Loren channelled her painful experience into a new purpose. She began educating herself on emotional and psychological abuse. To cope with the grief and trauma, she joined a support group on Facebook and even started her own YouTube channel, creating five-minute affirmation videos. Eventually, her journey of healing and speaking out led her to write and self-publish her first book, a creative nonfiction memoir, allowing her to transform her personal devastation into a self-help guide for others navigating similar darkness.
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