A New Home In The Sun 2015 – 2016
So here I was in July of 2016, living in the beautiful countryside in a lovely house that we had furnished together, looking forward to retirement and at last being together. Eight years in a relationship with him, and for all of that time I was working on my own business and he was working on his. We were in a relationship and I was committed to that relationship.
The thing is, despite the fact that I had moved to York to be with him in his house, we were not really together. His work and his business took him away from home, he would need to travel most weeks to go to the businesses that he was working with, Nottingham, Wales, and Sheffield. I know that this happens in many relationships whether married or not, husbands and partners often have to work away to earn a living.
Our relationship was no different, he worked the way he wanted to work and earned his money his way. While I earned my money working from anywhere that I was calling home.
Buying the retirement home
Leading up to the start of my first ever “Dear Diary” note there had been a number of negative situations that had an impact on both of us since January of 2015. Buying the retirement home in Spain was a huge decision for him, his mum fell ill just days after we returned from viewing a property. The fact that the house purchase fell through, and we had to start looking again for a different property in April 2015 didn’t help matters. We finally found a property and the purchase went through in June of 2015. I was thrilled and excited that we would have a home that would be ours, not his, not mine, but ours.
I remember that he surprised me with a celebration card that he had bought, it made me cry. It said “A New Home” he had added underneath “in the Sun!” Home is more than a word …. It is a place where happy memories are made. Inside he had altered the you and your words so they read “us” and “our.”
Wishing yous lots of happiness, fun, and laughter in your new home!
I love you more than ever X Phillip. XXX
Tears of Joy Turn to Tears of Anguish
It was not long before tears of joy and surprise turned to tears of anguish and upset. One evening as we sat in the lounge of our new home Phillip had been drinking, I have no idea how much he had consumed. He suddenly started saying that he had made a huge mistake, that he should not have bought the house. I have no idea what was going through his mind at this point. But this little episode of his drunken ramblings was quite upsetting. This was after all what was meant to be his dream and mine too. Now here he was telling me how he had made a mistake, just a few weeks after buying the property. I sat on the sofa with tears streaming down my face, unable to say anything at all. Maybe he had a case of buyer’s remorse, a feeling of regret experienced after making a purchase, typically one regarded as unnecessary or extravagant.
Yet, the next day was beautiful sunshine and I went out in the morning into the citrus and olive orchard at the bottom of the plot to collect grapefruits from one of the two trees. There is also lemon trees, orange trees and two clementines as well as a number of olive trees. As I return with the grapefruit harvest Phillip is watching from the kitchen window as I walk across the yard to the house. When I arrive into the kitchen he is all smiles and beaming telling me how lovely and wonderful it was to see me walking across the yard with a dish full of grapefruits. I guess at that moment his “buyer’s remorse” was forgotten.
Plans For A Pool
The plans for the property were to have a pool built, to install solar panels and fix up some stable buildings. The pool was going to be bigger and grander than anything I had expected. Plus of course more expensive as well, it was all Phillips’s decision.
2016 was a nightmare. I became very ill with a kidney infection (for the second time in my life) and had to be admitted to the hospital in February. It was shortly after a party when we had invited friends and neighbours around to celebrate Burns Night at his home in York. We were booked to fly to Spain in just a few weeks as it was his 60th birthday that year.
So we entertained friends and family during the week-long birthday celebrations in Spain. I even managed to surprise him with a party because I had invited some British neighbours to join us in the celebrations. I had also bought and paid for a slate bed snooker table for his birthday that went up into an outbuilding that we now were calling the games room. I think it had been originally a horse stable, but Phillip had decided to have a roof put back on and have the floor tiled.
All of a sudden I felt very emotional
In April we lost his mother after she had been admitted to the hospital from the care home she was living in, we were out in Spain at the time. I remember that day because I had an appointment to sign some papers at the solicitor’s office, we were both there in the office, and all of a sudden I felt very emotional, I didn’t know why, but tears started flowing down my cheeks, I knew his mum was in the hospital, but he was unable to get an update from the home or the hospital before we left. I have no clue what the young solicitors assistant thought when I was sitting there signing papers with tears flowing down my cheeks, it must have seemed very odd to him.
After that appointment, we were going to La Azhoia, a small coastal resort that has about 4 scuba dive centres, one of the reasons why he made his decision to buy a property in the Cartagena countryside. Even while I was sitting drinking coffee in the bar overlooking the lovely view of the sea and the mountains and the bay, I still had this feeling of deep sadness inside, it was all a little bit strange.
Being told the news was a shock to his system.
On our return home, we still had not heard any news, I prepared our evening meal and we sat down to eat. After our meal, he gets a call. Anyway, this call informed him that his mum had died in hospital earlier in the day, he was very upset and somewhat angry at how he had been given the news. Also, the fact that we had been going about our business that day not knowing what had happened and he knew that his ex-wife, the mother of his two sons, was going to go to the hospital to visit his mum after she had finished work. Being told the news in this way must have been a shock to his system.
I watched as he called his eldest son to break the news, and I was shocked at how he just blurted out the first sentence “Your nan is dead”. I actually made a comment when he got off the phone. I explained that perhaps he should take a minute to calm down and try to think about what to say before calling his youngest son. I explained that it would sound better if he first said that he had some bad news then it comes as less of a shock.
He Didn’t Want Me There
When it came to the funeral arrangements he managed to sort out everything himself, there was however one thing, I would not be there. He either didn’t want me there or thought it was better for me to stay in Spain to look after the house and the construction work, I wasn’t too happy about this decision. I did send a wreath of flowers to show that I was thinking of the family and I wrote a poem that I had sent in the card attached with the order. He told me later that he had cried when he read the poem I had written.
Another red flag. (Isolated from being involved and seeing family and friends of the family.)
The house in York flooded.
Then there was the flood. While he was working away doing some seminar (as far as I know) in the US, his house in York was badly water damaged after a water pipe from the tank gave way. He lost a lot of personal possessions at that time, so I booked a flight and a hire car so I could return to be with him and support him in his hour of need so to speak.
2016 was a strange year for a lot of people, there was a divisive political campaign going on in the UK. It was the BREXIT referendum. Obviously, we both believed that the UK should remain a part of the European Union, leaving things as they were, so the UK government and people would still have a voice in Europe’s economic and political future. However, we had friends with opposing views to our own. We had invited them to stay with us in Spain for a week, the dates of that week fell in the middle of the UK Brexit referendum vote.
My First Dear Diary Entry
It was during that week that I wrote my first ever “Dear Diary” entry.
I think it came as a shock to me and to him that the UK had just voted to leave the EU. I had just spent a week in the UK staying in a hotel with him due to the water damage at his house. I had to fly back to Spain on my own, as his flight was a day or so later.
Our friends were arriving in Spain the same day that I was flying back. We had even stayed overnight at their home during the previous week. Anyway, after the disastrous outcome of the BREXIT vote, I had asked them not to talk about their views when he got back to Spain.
A Strange Atmosphere
It really didn’t make any difference, he was in his own space mentally. There was an atmosphere, a very strange atmosphere between the four of us. I felt like a piggy in the middle, trying to be the hostess to our friends and also trying to be a support to him in his obviously distressed state. He was also telling me that he was going to visit his Spanish solicitor to make out his will and that he would have two wills, one in the UK with his solicitor there and one in Spain so everything was covered. He told me brief details, I didn’t ask about his finances and I didn’t really want to know, but he told me he was leaving me the house in Spain and his two boys would inherit his UK property.
Checking My Amazon Store
One evening, as things had deteriorated between the four of us through the week, he decided to help himself to wine and something to eat. I watched amazed as he sat at the dining table in the lounge with his glass of wine and his plate of food. I could not understand what was going on. The two friends sat on one sofa and I sat opposite on the other sofa. I was checking on my Amazon store business that I was working on and had made some sales that day. I had been working on building this business for the past 12 months. It had been a steep learning curve and this online business was a very different type of business from any other business venture I had been involved in. I had only just sold out of my lettings and property management business after 11 years.
I got up off the sofa and went to where he was sitting, with my iPad open to the sales made in my store. I wanted to show him how I was doing and try to draw him back into the company by breaking the silence in the room.
I started to write and the tears started to flow
What happened next was the reason behind the first diary entry I wrote on that night.
After the way he spoke to me in front of our guests, I returned to the sofa, put my feet up in front of me and started to write my notes on my iPad. As I started to write and the tears started to flow, he of course took no notice, our friends heard what he said and made no comments, as I sat there, quietly writing. I heard Mae asking me, “Do you want to go outside? We can go in the hot tub.” I couldn’t really speak, I was choked up, I shook my head and squeezed out a no, and I’ll be alright.
Here is the note I wrote:
Dear Diary, WHY? June 2016
Why when I want to share something with you about my business do you dismiss it as unimportant or ask me a question like, “And this is good because? And this is important because?”
And embarrass me in front of friends!
It’s like emotional abuse and bullying the way you talk to me.
I feel like you don’t want to know anything about what I’m doing, you seem as if you don’t think my attempts at creating a business that works for both of us is a serious proposition. So I’m not important, our relationship is not important.
Why are you so dismissive about my attempts to try something new? So from now on I will not be sharing anymore, you make me feel so stupid!!
I will travel this path alone, I will try my best despite everything, do you think I am doing this for me?
Well no, I’m not, I’m sick to death of hearing about your finances and how you have no money! But you are in a better position than me.
I have no income, I have credit card debts to pay off, a small amount of cash/ capital tied up and a house in Sunderland, and now I am dependent on you, having sold my business because it was in decline.
You who provides everything and does not let me forget!
Well, I’m glad I’ve paid you that loan back now.
I’m living in your house! So I’m homeless if I leave you.
I’m spending your money! So I’m penniless if I leave you.
You tell me – I’m not looking after you!
So if I leave you perhaps I can look after myself better!
You tell me – I’m not ironing your clothes!
So if I leave you I don’t get nagged about clothes that need ironing.
And I suppose I’m not having sex. Well, that takes two!
If you feel like a victim then you are a victim.
I don’t want to be a victim and I certainly don’t need to feel embarrassed, distressed, and emotionally bereft.
I don’t want to be talked to like a child, I don’t want to feel like everything that you can’t lay your hands on within two minutes is my fault because I had it last, Or I moved it from where you left it.
I think I’ve made a huge mistake, a huge mistake because I thought you were my protector, my lover, my friend, my rock when times get tough, but now it seems you are not the person I thought you were.
WHY do I feel the way I do?
What am I going to do now?
Return to the UK and find somewhere to live, stay here in Spain and find somewhere to stay, I’m totally at a loss, my life seems so full of stress and worry.
*****
Listen to:
Love Me Like You Do – Ellie Goulding (June-July 2016)
Dear Diary – another entry.
Last year he asked me to write a 500-word essay!
On the subject of “What I fancy about Phillip”
I never did write that entry. So this book can take its place.
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New Relationship – What Type Of Man?