Narcissistic abuse and behaviours appear in many forms. Cheating, leading a double life, manipulation, grooming, verbal abuse, anger outbursts, humiliation, belittling comments. Financial abuse, either they scroungers and get you into debt, or they use money as a weapon, give you an allowance then never stop telling you about how much they are doing for you, or throw it back in your face to make you feel bad about yourself.

Narcissists can sabotage your work or learning opportunities, they do not want you to get ahead of them, and will often make you financially dependent on them so it is harder to leave. They have insecurities and childhood abandonment issues. You might even see the “little lost boy” on a few occasions.

They love you, they love you not

But worse it is not all bad, because they can go from love bombing to devaluation and back to love bomb. They love you, they love you not. If you question them about anything or try to raise your concerns, you might see their anger and narcissistic outrage. Not forgetting, everything will of course be your fault. DARVO.

You might also suffer physical abuse, threats of physical harm raised fists, banging fists on tables, or running at you. It is all designed to intimidate you and put you in fear.

Being groomed and controlled

Worse still you may experience sexual abuse not knowing that you were being groomed and controlled into accepting it. Many women in an abusive relationship only learn about psychological abuse and forms of sexual abuse after the relationship has ended.

And I can tell you it comes as a shock to learn that the whole relationship was a lie from the start. Especially when you believed them, you trusted them, you cared for them and you loved them because they told you, that they loved you too.

Left emotionally and financially devastated

Are you one of the countless women across the world who was left emotionally and financially devastated at the end of an abusive toxic relationship with a man who has narcissistic traits?

Were you betrayed, abandoned, and left in grief trauma and anxiety while the ex-spouse or ex-partner moved on quickly?

You are not alone. Recent studies have shown that increased numbers of women are reporting emotional and psychological abuse in intimate relationships. Yet the conviction and prosecution for this type of crime are very low.

Despite the fact that many countries including the UK where I am from and Spain where I reside, have elaborate laws that cover emotional and psychological abuse, women who experience these forms of abuse both while in the relationship and post-separation are being failed by the Justice system.

Services are failing to support victims.

Police, Solicitors, Social Workers, Judges, Magistrates and even Domestic Abuse Services are failing to support victims.

There are many experts in the DA/GV fields that have warned of the lack of prosecutions. Why? Because this leaves perpetrators and abusers free to commit further abuse. It also means that women do not get Justice and this can impact the recovery process. Worse still, it can mean that an ex-intimate partner or spouse can still try to manipulate and control or punish their victim post-separation. Even when they are miles apart, the perpetrators can use their money and power and the courts and Justice system to cause further damage and harm known as abuse by proxy.

They can rewrite history

They fabricate court statements and manipulate solicitors and lawyers. Rewrite history, and of course, he will deny everything, “non of that happened” “it wasn’t a real relationship,” for them, you do not even exist anymore or they will want to destroy you emotionally and financially.

For me, it is now nearly three years post-separation. I never ever thought the relationship would end this way. All I ever wanted was peace and financial security, to be happy and find myself and my purpose and live a happy life. I discovered that by causing an ego injury I was not allowed to have any of what he promised.

We could stay friends

At first, he was telling me he wanted to end things amicably, we could stay friends if I wanted to remain friends. Not that I thought we could remain friends after his disrespectful behaviour. 

Anyway, he ended the relationship on August 27th, then by the 29th he was writing a letter to me. Yes, a letter!!  We were in the same property, but you see he was unable to have any adult meaningful conversation. So he did the next best thing he wrote me a letter.

The letter

Here is the first paragraph.
“I am sorry. My decision to end our relationship is bound to cause distress and I am doing my best to be kind to you. I know that you have a lot to process at the moment so it may be helpful to have some numbers written down to think about.”

So I could think about some numbers. Seems reasonable.

“I’ve outlined a financial proposal below which I’d like you to consider.
When you move out of Las Zinas, I will gift you 35,000 GBP so you can choose to pay off your mortgage on your Sunderland property, providing you with a regular rental income.”

Ermmm.. When I move out? Bearing in mind I had no job, and no income, it was 2020 and COVID restrictions. I had become wholly dependent upon him by January 2018, the point at which he started paying a monthly amount to my UK bank. I had given up on earning independently. Huge mistake!

“I will also help you buy a house in Spain that you can also own outright by gifting you a further 75,000 EURO. There are lots of good houses advertised in the area between 60 and 80K EURO, and as you know it can take as little as six weeks to complete.”

So here, it seems he has the cash somewhere in order to purchase a property within six to eight weeks.

Another option

But then, he also offers another option, framing it in terms that I have told him I want to move on quickly when the reality was, HE was the one that wanted to move on quickly.
“You have been very clear that you want to move on as quickly as possible.”
So here he is telling me he would help me rent somewhere. 

“But if you want to move out straight away, I am willing to help you rent somewhere until you can find and move into a new house. If you’d like to take any furniture from Las Zinas then please feel free to do so.”
Slight issues here, how much rent? For how long would he pay the rent? Nothing was discussed, and nothing made sense.

When I received his letter in an email, I replied with, “Thanks but No Thanks, I have a lot to process right now.”

He was in control

Five days later, the amicable and friendly ending flew out of the window. Instead, I got fear, intimidation, and the threat of being thrown out onto the streets because he was in control and I do as he says. 

While thinking about his letter and his offer I looked at hundreds of properties for sale online.  I didn’t want to buy a flat and live in a place where I knew no one, where I might not feel safe and secure. I had talked to him about two properties that I wanted to look at. He actually proposed going to check them out before I made an agent’s appointment. So we went to the first location of a two-bedroom mid-terraced property. I didn’t like the area it was overlooked by an apartment block and there was a school at the end of the road.  The second property was in a different location near a local community social and bar. That property looked very old on the outside and I felt that it would likely need a lot of work to get it habitable on the inside.

My proposal to him

By the 12th of September, I’d had time to think and I had sought advice from a very large property investment Facebook group. The redemption figure on my UK property and it was £28,500 it had only 5 years to run.  I wanted to put my financial proposal to him. I thought maybe I could remain in the property if he would help me by paying off the UK mortgage before he left. At least I would have some income to live on. To buy food, keep my car insured, and pay my health insurance. If he would help I would give him a 30% equity stake in the property. It would be parked money.

Start a business

I had an idea to purchase another UK property to rent out and increase the rental income. Then with £800 per month income, I could focus on raising money to buy out 50% of the Spanish house. Then maybe start a business here. I even researched the cost involved in obtaining permissions for entertainment and tourist licences. 

I have no clue why I thought that he might be supportive of this idea. In reality, he was never really supportive of any of my ideas or plans that involved me making anything of myself in any type of business situation.