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Why Your Ex’s Court Tactics are Post-Separation Abuse

Post-separation Abuse in Family Court

If you are a survivor of abuse in a relationship, the separation may feel like just the beginning of the battle—not the end. You went to the family court seeking justice, peace, or at least a fair resolution. Only to find yourself trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of legal motions, exorbitant fees, and profound psychological distress. You are not alone. The legal system is broken.

Chances are, your lawyer, the mediator, or even the judge has described your case as simply “high-conflict.”

But that label is a lie.

Stop Calling it “High-Conflict” It’s Psychological Warfare

The term “high-conflict” is one of the most frustrating and inaccurate descriptions a survivor can hear. While it sounds objective and clinical, it is a dangerous misnomer that causes significant harm:

It suggests mutual fault. It implies that both parties are equally responsible for the conflict, equating the abuser’s calculated tactics with the survivor’s reaction to being abused.
It minimises the abuse. It glosses over the reality of a profound power imbalance, reducing a campaign of control to a mere personality clash between two uncooperative people.

The reality is that you are not in a “high-conflict” situation; you are experiencing Post-Separation Abuse (PSA).

PSA is the continuation of a pattern of coercive control, emotional, legal, and financial abuse that persists—and often escalates—after the relationship has formally ended. For the abuser, the courts become the ultimate, legitimate, and powerful tool for ongoing harassment.

The Crucial Insight. Death by a Thousand Paper Cuts.

The insidious nature of this abuse works through what appear to be minor, tedious, and often legitimate-sounding actions. As noted in the book, “Post Separation Abuse: Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?” these are “minor aggressions that are likened to death by a thousand paper cuts.”

It is a purposeful, deliberate strategy to ensure you can never achieve stability, financial freedom, or emotional peace. It is not about winning the case; it is about waging the war against you.

This article will expose the common legal tactics used by abusers and provide a framework for recognising and surviving this targeted form of warfare.

Weaponising the Judicial System. What Legal Abuse Looks Like

Legal abuse tactics, weaponising the courts

When an abuser utilises the legal system to control, harass, or punish their former partner, they are engaging in legal abuse—a form of “legal terrorism.” They are exploiting the system’s rules, slowness, and high cost to continue their campaign of power and control.

The Vexatious Loop. Litigation as Harassment

Legal abuse is rarely about the facts of one case; it’s about the pattern of litigation.

Frivolous and Baseless Motions: The abuser files motion after motion—for minor custody changes, ridiculous discovery demands, or enforcement of non-existent issues—with no genuine intent of winning. Their goal is to force you to hire a lawyer, spend thousands, and live in a state of constant, debilitating stress.
The Power of Process: For the abuser, the process is the punishment. By dragging the case out, they keep you financially strapped and mentally exhausted.

The Parental Alienation Smokescreen

One of the most devastating legal tactics is the strategic use of counter-accusations. Abusers frequently use the court to accuse the protective parent of Parental Alienation (PA).

Role Reversal: When a survivor expresses concern about the abuser’s parenting or tries to establish safe boundaries, the abuser will spin the narrative, claiming the survivor is trying to alienate the children. This is a cruel form of psychological abuse that often succeeds because it leverages the court’s focus on the children’s “right” to a relationship with both parents, regardless of the historical abuse.
“Custody Stalking”: Abusers will often demand shared custody or increased visitation not because they want to parent, but because it grants them continued access to the survivor’s personal life, documents, and vulnerability.

The painful truth is that the law is often “unfit for purpose.” Our judicial system is designed to handle disputes between rational, equally-resourced parties, not to effectively handle the asymmetrical power dynamics of coercive control.

Financial Devastation. Economic Abuse in the Courtroom

Financial abuse after divorce, draining survivor resources

Financial control is one of the oldest forms of abuse, and the courtroom offers an abuser a powerful and legitimate mechanism for achieving economic devastation.

Withholding vs. Weaponising Funds

The abuser strategically uses the financial aspects of the court to enforce dependency and cause ruin.

Child Support Sabotage: They may delay, underpay, or simply refuse to pay court-ordered child maintenance, forcing the survivor to spend more money to hire lawyers to enforce the orders. This effectively makes the pursuit of justice a losing financial proposition.
Asset Hiding: They exploit the discovery phase to hide assets, inflate debt, or undervalue businesses, using the legal process to steal financial independence.

Forcing Poverty via Legal Fees

The high cost of family law is perhaps the most effective weapon in the abuser’s arsenal.

The Fee Tsunami: By filing the aforementioned endless motions and demanding costly depositions, the abuser can afford to out-spend and out-litigate the survivor. The cost of defence quickly becomes financially crippling.
The Unmarried Bind: As my book highlights, “unmarried women can find themselves in a double bind at the end of an abusive relationship.” They often lack the legal protections available to divorced spouses (like access to interim legal fee awards) and face unique challenges in establishing financial independence, making them extremely vulnerable to being bankrupted by a protracted legal fight.

The Psychological Toll: Gaslighting, Trauma, and Isolation

Psychological abuse after breakup, trauma-informed justice

Legal abuse is a profound form of emotional and psychological torture because it makes the very institution designed to protect you feel hostile. My experience with the Women’s Gender Violence Courts in Spain caused more trauma than the initial realisation that what I had experienced was abuse. I never wanted to file a complaint of Gender Violence, I felt like I had no choice because the male solicitors I reached out to to help with negotiation and cooperation between myself and the ex-partner would not listen to me and ignored my requests for help.

The Isolation Strategy

A core tactic of legal abuse is reputation sabotage—the smear campaign.

The abuser uses court filings, statements to Guardian Ad Litems (GALs), and communications with schools or therapists to paint the survivor as “mentally unstable,” “vindictive,” or “high-conflict.” They can reach out to your family members or neighbours in the community to give their alternative narrative.
This calculated effort isolates the survivor, cuts them off from necessary support, and makes even sympathetic professionals doubt their claims. A survivor of this type of abuse finds that they are ostracised in the community, and even former mutual friends refuse to communicate.

The System’s Role in Re-Traumatisation

The process of litigation itself is inherently traumatic for survivors:

Re-Living the Trauma: Being forced to repeatedly recount abuse details in a skeptical environment can feel like being victimised all over again.
Gaslighting on Paper: When an abuser submits highly polished, documented lies that contradict your reality, the psychological effect is profound. It causes the survivor to question their memory, judgment, and sanity—the very definition of gaslighting.

Your Shield and Strategy: 5 Essential Steps to Fight Legal Abuse

You cannot win the abuser’s game, but you can change the rules of engagement. While this is not legal advice, these steps can help you defend yourself strategically and protect your well-being.

Meticulous Documentation: Do not focus on single events; focus on the pattern. Maintain a precise log (a timeline) of every legal action initiated by your ex, including the date, the motion, the judge’s ruling, and the cost to you. Presenting the court with a clear record of vexatious and frivolous filings is your most powerful tool.
Boundary-Setting: All communication with your ex must be channelled through court-mandated apps (like OurFamilyWizard) or email. Practice the “Grey Rock” method: keep all responses brief, business-like, and unemotional. Do not respond to personal insults or baiting; deny the abuser the emotional fuel they seek.
Prioritise Financial Survival: Protect your resources. Create a separate, secure budget. Explore limited-scope representation where a lawyer advises you on strategy but doesn’t appear in court for every motion. Do not allow the threat of debt to paralyse you.

Trauma Informed Services
Find Trauma-Informed Counsel: Your lawyer must understand coercive control and post-separation abuse, not just divorce law. They must be prepared to argue the pattern of abuse as the key issue, rather than defending against individual “high-conflict” incidents. More and more family lawyers are becoming aware of this form of hidden abuse. When searching for legal representation or advice, use the words “coercive control” or “narcissistic abuse” in your searches for your region or country, you might be surprised.
Build a Non-Legal Support Network: Legal action is draining. Build a strong, non-legal support network with trusted friends, community support groups, and a trauma-informed therapist. Remember to seek support in a community that understands your struggle, like the Safe Space to Heal and Grow community. Joining specific online communities for the support you need, do not remain isolated and alone.

Conclusion: You Are a Survivor, Not a Litigant

If you are fighting a legal battle that feels endless, overwhelming, and unjust, please understand that your exhaustion, financial strain, and deep frustration are not signs of failure. They are the intended consequences of a purposeful campaign of abuse. You are not “high-conflict”; you are a survivor actively defending yourself against an opponent who will stop at nothing to win.

Understanding these legal tactics is the first step toward building a shield against them. Knowledge provides you with the power to reframe your experience, reclaim your narrative, and find the clarity necessary to navigate this broken system.

For a deeper understanding of the manipulative mindset and the full strategies to overcome the legal and emotional war you are facing, turn to the resource written by a survivor who has been in the legal trenches. Written while she was being forced into civil court in a foreign country by a former romantic partner who decided on the “precarious eviction” route under Spanish law, instead of honouring the financial agreement he had made before leaving her in the home that he was now declaring was his sole property and that she had no rights to occupy. This left her economically vulnerable in 2020 during the COVID-19 restrictions.

Don’t let the label define your struggle. The power of the written word: a survivor’s guide to truth and healing

Purchase “Post Separation Abuse: Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?” on Amazon UK, US, and ES

The “High-Conflict” Lie