Abusers torment their exes through the courts in a form of coercive control post-separation.
- Separating from a domestic abuser may not stop the abuse.
- Domestic abusers will vengefully harm and seek to punish their ex-spouse or partner, they want to win at all costs
- Coercive control of a partner continues long after a relationship ends.
In my story, I did not realise that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I really only made that discovery two weeks after he had returned to the UK at the end of September 2020. He left our home in Spain to be with the woman he had declared he was now in love with, he went to stay with her in her home. There were still lockdown rules after flying from one country to another country for example having to self-isolate at home for up to 14 days.
When he left me I had no legal representation and everyone around me was telling me to seek legal advice. I had already been subjected to intimidation when he had an angry outburst towards me.
The first incident occurred after he ended the relationship it happened on September 4th 2020. I was in the bedroom resting on the bed and reading when I heard him talking to someone on the phone. I had an uneasy feeling.
The next thing I knew he burst into the bedroom and was in my face shouting at me.
The phone call had been from the agent who I had instructed for the sale of the property. He told me he had received feedback from the agent that I had made a negative comment to the people who viewed. He threatened me saying not to fuck with him and he was in control and I do as he says, and if I don’t I’m out on the streets.
Everything was happening so quickly.
On the 25th he returned from the UK to Spain, on the 27th he abruptly terminated our relationship, and on the 29th he wrote out a letter with some figures for me to consider. He sent that letter to me by email that morning.
The weekend before he arrived in Spain he had spent two days doing a “Transformational Breakthrough therapy” with an ex-GP NLP Hypnotherapist.
That was meant to be to help him with his physical well-being, he has a host of health issues, including diabetes, Crohn’s disease and arthritis.
Unknowing to me at the time an ex-girlfriend from 38 years in his past had recommended this therapist to him, the woman he was now leaving me for.
So by the 30th of August, the Agent was texting me to visit to take photographs at the property. Yet, nothing had really been discussed, I was still in shock at the way he had ended things. Yet here I was doing his bidding like the dutiful housewife, partner, or “servant”. The agent wanted to visit on Tuesday the 1st of September, and I agreed. By the 2nd of September, the Agent has clients who want to view the next day.
So I was doing everything to help him in his decision to sell the property. The fact is that I was asked about the traffic on the motorway, by one of her clients. I gave my honest reply, which was you can hear the odd lorry zoom down the motorway at 6 am when you have the windows open.
The agent’s feedback to him was then turned into a negative comment that would put buyers off, and I was being blamed, threatened and intimidated things were turning nasty and I was fearful of him and his behaviour. He had blasted out his anger and I was being told to watch my step, I was now treading on eggshells.
I sent a text to my friend and neighbour to tell her I had been threatened. She even replied to say “I hope it’s not going to get nasty.” I also sent a text to the agent who I had considered to be a friend she thought that the Ex partner had instructed her to sell his house, so I had to put her straight on that one. I told her I had been threatened, because of the feedback that she had given. She then replied, “I am very very sorry I really am, I don’t know what to say.”
How I sent a text to the agent after he had threatened me on September 4th 2020.
The second incident post-separation was on the 15th of September 2020.
This was after the weekend that I had been in Zoom meetings with the same ex-GP NLP Hypnotherapist for Breakthrough transformational coaching that the Ex had offered me the day before his brutal four-sentence discard speech.
He told me that this coaching would help me to have the success in business that I always wanted. Only when he offered that help we were still together, and he had told me that he could book flights, we could return to the UK, he would hire a car, and book a hotel and would be there for me while I did the two days of therapy.
In my mind, all I could think was WHY!
So I now had his letter that outlined how he was going to help me financially since I had become wholly dependent on him since January 2018, with his confession of cheating and infidelity in our relationship.
I tried to have a conversation with him to talk through his offers only I found it impossible. When I had gone to speak with him I found him sitting in the games room at the house, he was talking to someone over his iPad while trimming cannabis buds from the plants he had just harvested. I had outlined some of my thoughts and ideas based on his offer of 50% of the value of the property and paying down a house mortgage on a property I owned in the UK. Only when I walked into the room he introduced me to his new woman, she said to me in her squeaky voice “I think you are doing remarkably well.” I looked at him and said I will write you an email and walked away.
I wonder if she would still say that today. After everything I have been through these last two and a half years.
We had arranged a meeting to discuss the financial offer he was making. I had written my proposal and sent it on the 12th of September. My idea was to try and buy out his 50% of the property. His letter was telling me I would be gifted money after I moved out, I thought, how can I move out? I have no income, no job, I can’t leave the property, and I cant trust him, he has lied and cheated over and over again.
His letter was like a carrot dangling, ”when you move out I will gift you £35,000” He even said he would rent me a property if I wanted to leave immediately, saying “you have been very clear that you want to move on as quickly as possible” this was a fabrication, I had never indicated at any time that I wanted to move on quickly, this was him projecting on to me as narcissists do.
I wanted to start a retreat business at the property. I had even spoken to the coach about this. I thought maybe I could CrowdFund to raise the money to buy out his share and start the business. By mid-afternoon on the 15th, I started to receive texts that alerted me that he was angry again. Why?
A former friend of mine/ours had shared the link to the GoFund page on her Facebook profile, I had sent the link privately to a few friends and neighbours.
All of a sudden I am being accused of laundering his infidelity in public.
His text message read: “And then launder my infidelity in a public begging letter using my house as bait? Are you out of your mind?”
I replied: “Who knows? My mind came up with the idea”
Him: ”We discussed what I expected of you as a condition of staying there and you have fucked up already”
Actually, we had not discussed anything apart from the night of the abrupt discard. I had not really wanted to talk with him.
He then went on to tell me over these texts “I have treated you with respect. Treating me disrespectfully is not “being strong”. I will not tolerate it.”
He referred to my previous message, where I had said I was not strong enough in our relationship. What I really meant was that I should have had stronger boundaries, and I should not have allowed him to devalue and degrade me, humiliate me, disrespect me, or be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.
I made excuses for him, I brushed things under the carpet, and I accepted a lot of things in his sexual behaviours that I should have been able to say no to.
I know now that sexual coercion can be part of a pattern of abuse. A person who possesses narcissistic traits, such as entitlement, low empathy, or superiority, within a sexual context may coerce and manipulate others to fulfil their own physical and sexual needs and may not care for the wishes or concerns of others.
He then asks me if there was any point in meeting that evening.
In my reply text, I say, “You can come here as planned. As long as you are calm and not angry or abusive.”
The meeting went ahead, I had made a request to record what was to be discussed.
1. It would provide a record of things agreed upon that could be transcribed and taken to be notarized.
2. I felt safer in that I believed he would stay calm and not get angry.
I was wrong. He did get angry. I was not even allowed to speak, he shut down the discussion of the financial proposal that I had sent to him.
It was his way or no way at all. He talked about what he wanted and what he needed.
He said, “You need to be absolutely clear about what I want and need because reading through this document you put together, I don’t really think you’ve listened at all to what I need. Or maybe I haven’t made it clear enough.
So.. I need to make clear to you what I want and what I need, and then you need to go away and think about it, because the first thing I want, is I want to break off, terminate, get rid of, all my err financial physical obligations and commitments to you, I want it to stop.”
I’d asked him if he would pay off the remaining mortgage on the property investment in the UK, and he told me he couldn’t do that as he did not have the money.
I thought that was strange as he had said that if I left the house he would “GIFT” me £35,000 for that purpose. Then after I had got the redemption figure which was £28,500 he conveniently said he didn’t have the money.
His verbal garbage continued.
“So I’m not interested in investing in your property or anything else, I’m not interested, I have offered you some money and with that money, you can do what you want, but I don’t want to get involved in it, I don’t want to be part of it, I don’t want to be involved.
I want a clean break, that’s what we said, that’s what we discussed and that’s what I want. That’s what I want a clean break, now talk about exactly how, and when, but you need to understand that anything you want to do that relies on me making investments beyond whatever time we decide the cut-off for all this is. It isn’t gonna happen.
In this short little speech of his, he talks about “that’s what we said, that’s what we discussed” This was the first time that we had sat down together so nothing had been agreed upon, nothing had been discussed. Plus, when he says “beyond whatever time we decide the cut-off for all this is.” the “we decide” means nothing if I am unable to discuss things so there never was any “WE DECIDE”.
The whole meeting turned into a one-sided unequal speech or lecture. When I do get an opportunity to say something I can hardly string a full sentence together. Besides the first thoughts that came into my head were “Oh I’ll just kill myself should I?”
It just got worse, I was accused, blamed, and belittled, he even said “we don’t communicate terribly well and you have a habit of grabbing some idea and running off with it without stopping and thinking about it, this GoFundMe thing is a perfect example…. My point is you haven’t considered me and what I want.
Because you know that’s, that’s not generally what you do.
Now, now I’m telling you I want it over and done with.
If we can stay friends let’s stay friends, but I want it over and done with, I do not want to be hanging on to investment in your house or anything else, not at all,
It’s a terribly, terribly, terribly BAD idea, and it isn’t going to happen.
Later he even tells me that I lack empathy. While also saying that what I do not understand is that “You do not negotiate a gift. You can not negotiate a gift. You can’t do that.”
Then he sets the deadline for it all to be over.“I propose we set a deadline of the 15th of January”
(He means he has just set the deadline without asking me.)
“That gives you just over four months, four months, not one month, not three months, four months. Right.”
(I’m in shock, what does he think I am going to do in four months)
He continues his verbal ranting: Then tells me, “I’m not putting this past the 15th of January because if you don’t buy it on the 15th of January if the place isn’t sold by the 15th of January, I am moving back in on the 16th of January. You’ve got four months in this house and if you haven’t bought it and if it isn’t sold I’m moving back in. And you are out on the 15th of January at the latest and I will gift you that money when you leave…
(Thinking, how do I leave and where do I go? If I have no money, could I actually trust him to pay the money if I have already left the property)
After I question the deadline of January 15th he completely loses it. Thirteen minutes into the meeting he shouts and rages at me in a violent outburst.
“You can’t negotiate with me. I’ve told you why it’s my choice.”
He violently bangs his hand down on the glass coffee table saying “I’ll make it the 15th of fucking November if I want to…. Don’t fuck about with me. I’ve told you four months, I’ve told you the 15th of January. You asked me why I said because of Christmas, do not push your luck, do you understand me.”
After this outburst I’m feeling intimidated, shell-shocked, frightened, and sick to the pit of my stomach, how does he do that, how does he make me feel this way?
I reply in a whisper. “Perfectly”
He just says “Good”
Then continues his rant with
“Don’t take the piss out of me, you’ve had one strike already and you were that far away to have your fucking suitcases thrown out of the fucking door… so just be careful how you tread, like I’ve said to you this afternoon.
Now in a quiet voice, “Your future security depends on having me on your side so don’t alienate me and I’ve told you already you can’t negotiate a gift.
As soon as October 5th I realised I was dealing with a narcissist, it was too late, I had caused him narcissistic injury, and he was now going to court to evict me from the property he had offered to share with me. So there were not any four months, and he did not return to Spain and kick me out of the property in January 2021.
He got engaged to the woman he left to be with, and just six weeks after leaving Spain, he posted on social media how he was happier and healthier than ever before. Then married his former girlfriend in May 2021.
There have been eight or nine attempts to come to some win-win solution. The thing is YOU CAN NOT NEGOTIATE WITH HIM:
As any person who has dealt with a conflict divorce or separation involving a narcisst wil tell you, they tend to move the goalposts all of the time, when you think you have reached an agreement they will back out or add something else in to the deal, this is how things played out.
Here are just some of the attempts to come to a solution.
Offers of €115,000 and no less than 50% of the property value, 15th September 2020, or I could buy out his 50%.
You will leave with nothing, you are entitled to nothing from me 5th October 2020
To a mediation January to April 2021 attempt that started with €13,000 after you leave. That went to €40,000 paid in instalments, again failed.Then mid-July in a face-to-face public meeting where I hand-wrote the details that he was prepared to offer, £10,000 in 2 weeks the £40,000 plus of the furniture from the property, money paid on sale agreed, with a potential buyer ready to pay the deposit.
He changed the agreement with no further negotiation to balance paid on vacant possession, and the buyers dropped out, unsurprisingly
Before he left me I was already confused, I was in shock at how he had blamed me for being disrespectful, how he told me I lacked empathy, and how he was enraged and angry. There was much more in this twenty-three minutes long meeting the full transcript appears in my book “Post Separation Abuse” Betrayal and Abandonment, What Type Of Man? I self-published my book in May 2022 it took me from April 2021 when I started with the outline.
I intend to write and publish the sequel to this book, as my journey and mission are not over yet. I write this article today in April 2023 two years since I started on my first book. The Civil Court verbal hearing for “precarious eviction” was heard on June 10th 2022.
An appeal was lodged by the public-appointed defence lawyer. It has taken from July 2022 to now for the appeal to be heard I have been informed it is April 25th. It is a closed hearing, no further evidence has been submitted, and no attendance is requested. As someone who worked in welfare rights and tribunals, I find this extraordinary how can any appeal be given a fair hearing if there is no evidence provided that can show that the plaintiff’s court documents were fabrications, a misrepresentation, and omitted the facts?
The expensive law firm from Barcelona has been lied to, and manipulated, the court documents before the verbal hearing stated that he asked me to leave the property in September 2020, giving me time to find a job and find a place to live. That he had tried to end things in a friendly manner. Then it says he gave me until November for the same reason, all rubbish, and yet non of the documents that I have were presented to the court. Not even the letter of his financial offer, or the recording of his verbal agreements and verbally abusive, intimidating behaviours.
So the reason for writing my first book and my plans to write the sequel are not as a revengeful, spiteful act towards the Ex. as he seems to think. I have written my book to show how despite elaborate laws on domestic abuse and gender violence that includes the crimes of emotional and psychological abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and coercive and controlling behaviour, the victimised often do not see justice.
Meanwhile, the Ex and his lawyers have filed seven criminal charges against me because I have told my story. Plus a third litigation in Civil court against me so he can claim his court costs and a sum for his moral damages. When will I get to live my life? When will I be vindicated? When will I see justice?
The courts and other institutions need to be on their guard against unwittingly serving as an arm that extends the abuser’s reach post-separation (Saunders et al., 2016).
Part of a leaflet from “The European Institute for Gender Equality“
Loren Keeling is my pen name, I published my book to tell the story, so as not to cause him moral damage. He bought the book and stalked my social media platforms and took screenshots to allege defamation and slander about him.
In the book, his character is Phillip Hollby.
“Post Separation Abuse, Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?
Find it on Amazon and Digital ebook Stores