This is a chapter from my next book.
I am continuing the story of my post-separation experience to document the situation. Please note that all names have been changed.
The ex had been moving the goalposts so many times already. I felt like a puppet on a string. He was pulling the levers.
The promised financial settlement started at €115,000, 50% of the property’s value. If I paid my UK mortgage from the settlement, I would have €90,000 to purchase another home and the rental income from the UK property.
A few days later, he told me I could be thrown out onto the streets. The financial offers made through mediation started at €13,000 in March 2021, and then I managed to raise the offer to €40,000. The mediator told me he had agreed to the higher figure.
After I sacked the mediation company in May, I received another email from the ex and the offer was now €25,000; the next email, it was €35,000. He didn’t seem to be able to stick to one offer.
I start to feel fear and panic rising.
I discovered that Phillip was travelling to Spain in July, and this news threw me into panic and emotional instability. I called the National Gender Violence helpline again; they arranged another appointment for me to speak with CAVI and the free lawyer. None of the advice helped me to resolve the situation I was in. Mostly, it had the effect of causing me increased trauma. All the communications had to go through a Spanish English translator; all of my written communications were in English, and the evidence was also all in English. I was also ignorant of the laws, and I didn’t understand what rights I had. His lawyer Fontaine had told me I had no rights here in Spain.
Here is the legal advice I received.
Do not move out of the property.
Do not make any more complaints; you will make him angry. (He was already angry before I had made any gender violence complaint)
Negotiate. (I had already tried to negotiate)
It was proving to be impossible without any legal representation on my side.
Legal Research
Since I’ve done a lot of research during the four years I have been living through this whole scenario, I now know that “mediation” in cases of domestic violence is not recommended.
Article 44, paragraph 5, of Organic Law 1/2004 expressly prohibits mediation in cases of intimate partner violence that come before specialist violence against women court.
Yet, here I was in mid-2021, thinking about another attempt at negotiating. When Phillip arrives in Spain, he has a potential buyer who wants to view the property. Arrangements are made for the couple to have a look around. I asked a couple of neighbours if they would be with me while these strangers viewed the property, and they agreed. (I did not trust the ex-partner; these people coming to view could have been a setup, and I had no faith in anyone any more.)
A meeting with Phillip
I arranged a meeting with Phillip before the viewing. I was very nervous but also furious at everything that had happened while he was away. Before the meeting, I picked up a walking stick that Phillip left behind. In my anger, I banged the walking stick onto the outdoor dining table, hitting it with such force that I made a dent. That was how much anger I had inside me that day.
I travelled to Puerto Mazarron to meet with him to discuss another financial settlement. I took the walking stick, a notebook, a pen, and a book that Phillip had asked guests to write in after their stays in our home. Plus, I printed a copy of a message that one of his close friends had written to me in September 2020. When I arrived, I went to the bar where we arranged to meet. The temperature is “scorchio.” As I was buying a bottle of water, a man stood next to me. I had no idea that it was Phillip. As I turned towards him, he said, “I have someone I want to introduce to you.” I look over his shoulder and see his new wife standing in the distance. I take my bottle of water off the bar counter, gather up my change, and say, “No thanks,” while walking to the nearest table. I hear his wife, Dehlia, gasp, saying, “Oh”.
Red Flag
Trying To Introduce You To The New Supply
I have no idea why he thought I would want to be introduced to his new wife after how he treated me in the past year. After all, he abandoned me and betrayed me. Leaving me emotionally and financially devastated.
He had wasted no time in proposing to her. Six weeks after leaving me here in Spain, he posted a photograph of his proposal and engagement on Facebook for all the neighbours and mutual friends.
In my opinion, it was his attempt at triangulation between the new supply (Dehlia) and his ex-supply (me).
Phillip got himself a drink and then joined me at the table. I gave him his walking stick and the guest book with the comments from his friends and business colleagues. Then, I took out the printed message from one of his most dearest friends.
Message From His Friend
It read.
My Dearest Loren, I can’t help but feel that you have been shat on. Phillip does assure me that he will look after you financially following the sale of the house, but until then I can’t imagine how difficult it is to cope, you’ve got to be strong and think only of what’s best for you. It’s likely to be a few months (at best) before you receive any monies from the house.
I wish you all the strength in the world and I think you are more than capable of doing really great things, you are bright and talented, strong and capable.
Phillip looked at the message and then shocked me with the words he uttered. As he blurted out, “Well, he is dead now.” This was the start of my attempt to get an agreement on a financial settlement.
The Handwritten Agreement
So I opened the notebook and wrote at the top of the page.
24th July 2021
Phillip Holby and Loren Keeling agree to
I started the financial amount at £60,000, but Phillip is unhappy. After writing a few lines and him changing his mind, as I get halfway down the page, I rip the page out of the book and screw the paper into a ball. I start again with the date and the statement.
I take a different approach. This time, I state that I will agree to leave if he lifts/stops the threat of eviction.
So, point one is agreed upon. The second point is his attempt to split the payment again, which is not what I prefer, but who am I to assert myself? ( The perils of not having legal representation when trying to negotiate with a controlling, often angry ex-partner.)
Point two is a payment of £10,000 by August 7th to help pay down the UK mortgage, allowing financial security. Point three refers to an agreement to the house being sold and a viewing to take place. Point four is about keeping the tools of my trade, laptop, and microphone, plus Phillip agreed that I could take or sell any of the furniture from the property. Point five is a payment of €30,000 once a sale is agreed or completed as appropriate. As I come to the end thinking that was it, Phillip asks, “What will you do in return?” I am sitting there staring at him; my mind says, Eh! What the fuck!
So, I add the following:
It is all I could think of after sitting out in the sunshine in the open air for god knows how long. We both signed the handwritten agreement and initialled the pages. Now that was out of the way, the viewing could take place.
The couple who viewed the property told me they were very interested. I informed them of my situation. I was very traumatised and close to tears while I was showing them around the property. I asked them not to say anything to Phillip in case he withdrew his offer again. Phillip got back to me; the couple had made an offer and wanted to view the property again. This time, Phillip asked if he could show them around. I reluctantly agreed; I did not want to be in his company again. I asked another friend to stay with me in the house while the viewing was going on.
Second Viewing
When they arrived, I wanted to show Phillip the plasterwork that had been done inside the garage after the water leak had caused damage. I had also sold the snooker table I purchased for his 60th birthday. The couple walked around on their own. Phillip looked at my friend and asked if I would introduce him. I said no because he didn’t speak English. I think Phillip was taken a bit by surprise. As the viewing ended, I sat beside my friend, and Phillip stood before us. I mentioned something he had brought up in a text message before. I said I had not attempted to “blackmail” him. It was the Solicitor I had been to who was trying to communicate with Fontaine, and it had been his idea. He had told me that the gender violence case would be dropped if an agreement to pay the settlement was agreed. Phillip snapped, saying, “Stop picking the scab off,” meaning not to go over old wounds. But then I said something else that must have hit a nerve, and Phillip said, “Don’t take the piss out of me” Of course, I was doing no such thing.
But that phrase was one he had used before, which then triggered my trauma. (I’m not generally like this.)
As he turned to walk away, I stood up and followed him loudly, shouting, “Don’t take the piss out of me, Loren, Don’t take the piss out of me.” He hurried to get into the car with the couple, and I opened the electric gates for them to leave.
Moving the goalposts again.
I had agreed with him to type up the handwritten, signed agreement, which I did. I was informed by email that an offer had been accepted, and they had made an appointment to exchange the deposit. I returned the typed-up agreement to Phillip. Later that evening, I saw another email from Phillip. On opening and reading through it, I was back to fear and anxiety again. How does that happen?
His email tells me he has made some amendments to the draft agreement. He has also taken out the reference to gratitude (Ha! A bit of sense.) The final paragraph states: Please let me know if you object to any changes I have made. I will ask the lawyer to make it legally enforceable to protect you, me and the buyers. I am sure you understand.
Yes, I did understand. I have had so many offers, non-offers, changes, threats, “You will be forcibly removed,” he could throw me out onto the streets. Most of the agreement was as before.
How he changed the terms
Apart from the €30,000 payment, which had been rewritten as 4.1, PH agrees to pay LK the sum of €30,000 (euros) on completion of the sale and vacant possession of the property being handed over to its new owners. The original signed agreement was money on sale agreed, not “completion and vacant possession,” given the gender violence lawyers’ advice, which was stuck in my head: Money first, then leave. These lawyers have obviously come across these situations before.
I tried to contact him again to say that the term was unacceptable. I paced the floor most of the next morning as I had not heard from Phillip. There was something that I had not told him about, and I had the offer of a rental from a friend in another village. All I needed was the money to pay rent and I could effectively move out and start my life over again with some financial security. Phillip did not respond to my attempts to contact him, which raised my anxiety levels again. Then, when he sent me a message, he told me the buyers had dropped out. Something about them becoming responsible for evicting me if I did not move out of the house.
I sent a message asking Phillp to meet again in the next village. I told him I had somewhere to go; I only needed the money first. He refused to meet, saying it was too stressful. Too stressful for him!! What! After everything he had put me through? He kept requesting a date for me to leave, which I could not give as I had no money to pay rent. I could only sign a rental contract once he agreed to pay the money.
How the next stage of negotiations played out
The email I sent to Phillip
26 Jul 2021, at 16:23,
I am tired.
I can’t do this anymore.
Just set up another meeting.
I need to see you
Get this settled.
Phillip replies
26 Jul 2021, 16:55
I am tired, too. I want to help you, but meeting face-to-face isn’t helpful; it’s distressing for both of us.
I suggest email is the best way to progress; for now, it allows us both thinking time.
It is good you have found somewhere else to go.
Please give me a firm date when Las Zinas will be vacated.
I also want to know what financial help you expect from me.
We Already Had A signed Agreement.
Strange. We had worked that one out two days ago when we reached the agreement and signed it. Now, he is asking me to start again. His offer was €40,000, and I accepted it by signing the document; he signed it too.
I reply again.
26 Jul 2021, at 17:08,
How ridiculous are you?
I can not go out unless I have the money first.
20 mins in the local bar
Thats all.
I promise I will stick to the cards on the table.
End of story.
Phillip replies
26 Jul 2021, 17:20
If you can’t answer two straightforward questions by email, then I am not wasting any more of my time.
So my final reply is:
26 July 2021 at 17:26
What are you frightened of?
A 5’2″ blond from Sunderland.
I can not answer the question about when I can vacate.
That depends on your willingness to pay a financial settlement.
So that was it, another failed negotiation attempt. I count this as seven now.
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