“Narcissistic Discard”

I’m still recovering from getting my heart smashed to bits five years ago when the ex decided to terminate our relationship after eleven years.

I saw this quote a couple of days ago. It spoke to me.

What do you think this quote is all about?

A) Money can’t change or help your depression.
B) Life, even with money, is still MISERY.
C) It’s just a JOKE from a Comedian.
Let me know in the comments.

Surviving Post-Separation as an English Foreigner In Spain.
If your money is scarce and you are running along on fumes, it brings you either “fear” and “uncertainty” or plenty of “anxiety.”
I needed to figure out how to earn a stable income. I’m still figuring this out.

I’m over 60 years old, and I never thought I would need to consider how to survive the next stage of my life. I had it all planned out in my head. A little property in the UK, bringing in a rental income, a mortgage due to be finished in 2025 just before state retirement age. A home in the sunshine and a financially secure future. Now that is gone. I’ve no form of security.
Eviction and Prison are hanging over my head.

I tried to “NEGOTIATE”

This is all because I tried to “NEGOTIATE” a financial proposal that the ex wrote to me on August 29, 2020. September 15th is the fifth anniversary of our meeting, during which we were meant to discuss the financial proposal I had written to the ex. The day I saw the other side of the person I had been in a relationship with.

I had been “discarded” after eleven years. A brutal four sentences that ended the relationship. I do not know how I quietly walked away that night. My intuition was telling me not to react, not to show anger in front of him, not to cry or plead with him. I believe my non-confrontational personality saved me from further harm. I have heard other stories of women who were physically attacked by ex-partners.

It was not the first confession of him cheating. He didn’t care anything for my emotional welfare, like I didn’t matter. Besides, I had vowed to myself that if he ever cheated again, it would be over. He told me it was over and wanted us to remain friends.

The four sentences were.

“I’ve got something to tell you.”

(This was the same sentence he used to tell me about his cheating in December 2017. My mind was flying red flags.)

“I’m in love with another woman,” he said.

Then, “We can remain friends if you want to remain friends.”

And “We just can’t have sex anymore.”

I have no idea how he could calmly say these things after asking me to sit on his knee and kiss him while we had friends over that same evening. Then, as soon as our friends had left, he ended our relationship.

He could throw me out onto the streets.
Two days later, he wrote me a letter offering me 50% of the property’s value. You might wonder why it was in a letter. I thought about that as well. It was in a letter because he could not have any meaningful face-to-face conversation with me. That’s why.

After I considered the contents of the letter, it did not really help me. There were too many unknowns that needed to be discussed. So, I wrote my version of how things could be settled, bearing in mind that he had already threatened me and told me he could throw me out onto the streets.

Let’s Remain Friends
I offered him a 30% stake in the UK property. I called it parked money. Considering his previous “let’s remain friends,” there was the £28,500 outstanding mortgage. I had asked if he could pay this before leaving me in Spain so I at least had a form of income; he told me he could not do that. Again, there are inconsistencies because, in his letter, the first thing he offered was the UK property paid off with the provision of “When you move out,” a dangling carrot.

My idea was to remain in the home and start a small retreat business for women: mindfulness, yoga, art, creative writing, that sort of thing. I had researched some of the costs of obtaining a tourism licence and worked out some prices. I researched how to use the unencumbered property to raise capital on an interest-only loan to buy another property and have two UK rentals, increasing the monthly income. The weekend before, I had been in the two-day coaching therapy with the same practitioner as he had seen before he arrived back in Spain. I had talked things through with the coach, and she thought it was a great idea. I wrote all the details in my email to the ex.

Looking at Properties
In my situation, I was trying to work things out. I was not sleeping very well. I can refer back to emails and see that I was awake at various times through the night, 3.30am, 4am for example. I had this crazy idea that if I could raise the money, I could buy the ex out and remain in the home where I felt safe and secure. I had lived there for five years and spent weeks alone in the property as he worked away in the UK. Because of his financial offer, I had looked at hundreds of properties up to a value of €85,000, which was part of the 50% value he was offering. Nothing I looked at raised my hopes. There were only three properties that I thought I should take a look at. One was in the campo, and it was a bank repossession that was very cheap. Only the agent told me the doors and windows were bricked up to stop squatters, so there was no way to view the inside. Another property was a newer build nearer to the coast, with two bedrooms mid-terrace; a small block of apartments overlooked it, and a school was close to the end of the street with a small car park and turning circle. I stood there and imagined all the cars and children in the street when the school was open. That put me off immediately. The final property was another terrace in an old village near a Social Enterprise and bar. The outside of the property was showing its age, the wooden doors of the garage space were rotted, and I thought that this property would require a lot of cash to make it habitable.

He Was Angry
Knowing how volatile he was, I had not spoken about my ideas. I was awake at night writing out ways to raise the finance I would need to buy out 50% of the property’s value. I put together a Gofund page with my business idea. I had shared a draft with a few friends for feedback. No one gave any reply. Only one friend said she thought it was a great idea; it was something positive out of something negative. The mutual friend then shared the Gofund page to her Facebook profile. I had no idea she had done that, and I had not clarified that it was to be kept private.

Later in the afternoon, I received several text messages from the ex, who had seen the Gofund page. Reading his text messages had my stomach turning. He didn’t say how he had seen the crowdfunding page, but he was spitting out text messages where I could hear his voice just by reading them. I started to reply.

My Reply
Have you treated me badly?
I said that I hoped we could come to an amicable agreement for a win-win situation while ending our love relationship. I just want to let you know that I am very grateful for everything that you have helped me with and supported me in during our time together.

I was trying to diffuse the situation. He was angry.

His Text.
And then launder my infidelity in a public begging letter using my house as bait? Are you out of your mind?

My Text.
Who knows? My mind came up with the idea.

His Text.
We discussed what I expected of you as a condition of staying there, and you have fucked up already.

We had not discussed anything apart from the night of the brutal discard. I had not really wanted to talk to him. When I went looking for him to discuss some of the options I had thought of, I found him sitting in the building we had named the games room because it housed the snooker table I had bought for his 60th birthday. I could see he was chatting to someone over his iPad, as I walked into the door, he was sitting trimming the buds from legally grown cannabis plants that I had been looking after for him, while he was out of the country.

He looked up and then said hello and quickly followed that with “Loren, this is Dehlia” and “Dehlia, this is Loren” I looked at Phillip and said, “You know what? I’ll send you an email,” while Dehlia piped up in a squeaky feminine voice “Oh, I think you are doing remarkably well” I turned around and walked out.
Red flag – Introducing you to the other woman.

The meeting we agreed to record.
He agreed that I could record the meeting we were about to have. I had made the request because I knew he could be angry.

In the very first minutes of the meeting, I was shut down. I was looking to find the email I sent him so we could discuss things.

He said, “Hang on before you find it.” Then quickly followed by.

“You, you need to be absolutely clear about what I want and need because reading through this document you put together, I don’t really think you’ve listened at all, to what I need.”

Then, I was frozen. Unable to speak. Forced to listen to what he wanted.

He went on.

“Or maybe I haven’t made it clear enough.
So, I need to make clear to you what I want and what I need, and then you need to go away and think about it because the first thing I want is to break off, terminate, and get rid of all my financial physical obligations and commitments to you. I want it to stop.”

I had thought about it. This was supposed to be the meeting to talk about it.

Self-Published Author
I self-published my Post-Separation Abuse experience in May 2022, two weeks before I appeared in the Spanish Civil Court, where the free public-appointed Lawyer had warned me that the Judge would order my eviction. I published under the pen name Loren Keeling. I changed the names of the real people involved: the ex, the other woman, the ex-girlfriends, and the lawyers.

Three weeks after the Civil Court hearing in 2022, the ex filed seven criminal allegations against me. I found out in October 2022 when the Guardia Civil unexpectedly turned up at the property. They told me there were several minor misdemeanours, and I needed to collect the court documents. Weirdly, his expensive Barcelona Lawyer requested maximum penalties on all of the criminal allegations, which added to seventeen years of prison.

What happens to victims of narcissistic abuse?

“It can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Victims may also struggle with regulating emotions, leading to mood swings, anger outbursts, or emotional numbness as a result of these mental health issues.”

Common Signs of Narcissistic Abuse.
Constant criticism
Exploitation (emotional, financial, or social)
Lack of empathy and Morals
Narcissistic manipulation
Isolation from friends, family, and support networks by the abuser Boundary violations
Blame-shifting
Emotional rollercoaster — (humiliation, gaslighting, angry outbursts, conditioning, grooming, love bombing, kind and generous)
DARVO — Deny abuse, Attack the victim survivor, Reverse victim and offender, making you the perpetrator or the accused.

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