This is an extract from my first self-published book.
Post Separation Abuse. Betrayal & Abandonment, What Type Of Man?
In my book, I write “Letters to the Other Women” this is one of the letters I wrote to one of Philip’s ex-wives after she makes contact in January 2021, four months after he had abruptly terminated our relationship.
Jenny 2021
Dear Jenny,
It was a bit of a shock to receive a message from you of all people, to be honest. So when a message landed on one of my Facebook pages on the 27th of January 2021, forgive me for not knowing who you were.
The message read. Hi Loren, I noticed Brady Cottage was for sale. Then I saw Phillip’s engagement photo. You must be in bits. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. Take care, Jenny.
My only response right then was.
Do I know you?
You spilt a lot of beans, you told me things I didn’t know about the man I had been sharing my life with.
Like how you told me that he wanted to see more of you, how you told him, no. Why? Because you told him that he would have to be honest with me or nothing.
And Yes, he could not be honest with me about you Jenny. I think Phillip knew that being honest about seeing you while pretending to love me in his “primary source” relationship would have been one step too far. It would have been either the end of me or maybe the end of him.
Why do I say that?
Because I know how these things play out. I have researched and educated myself on these triangulation scenarios. Many do not end well. What can start as domestic verbal abuse, emotional and psychological manipulation towards a partner can, and often does end up in actual physical harm.
This leads to either the male or the female being battered in some way, or even for one partner to kill the other partner.
Of course, there is also attempted and actual suicide by the victim in these situations, like I said the emotional and psychological damage is just one step too far. So when I started to communicate with you, I asked you.
Did you still have a sex life with him after you moved out?
And you replied:
We stayed completely involved for years, yes. You are better off now.
To be honest with you Jenny, Phillip talked about you quite often at the start of our relationship. He would moan about messages he received from you. He had already told me how “toxic” you were. How he thought you nearly killed him with your cooking style. How you were drinking far too much alcohol and in the end had moved out of the marital bed and went into the spare bedroom at Brady Cottage.
Red Flags
Even in 2012 you were still meeting him and communicating with him. Why I didn’t take this as “red flags” I have no idea.
He always had excuses, like the message from you that I saw on his iPad one evening. He told me that you had been attacked sexually by a guy and you had been upset and asked him for help.
Guess what Jenny, this scenario is also a common situation in the BDSM sex world and also when women attract abusers into their lives. It is a repeating pattern I’m afraid.
So you were telling me that you would have preferred him to be honest with me. That he had gotten quite reckless, towards the end because neighbours saw you at Brady Cottage.
So later when I ask you.
Don’t you think it is odd how he went back to an old girlfriend from 38 years back?
You reply.
He has been trying to find her for years.
So even while he was in a relationship with you either before or during your marriage he was talking to you about Delia, the old flame of his from when he was in his 20s. This is a tool of the narcissistic manipulator controller or casanova psychopath, they continue to drop mentions of their ex from time to time.
They don’t outright compare the two of you, but they certainly imply they had a better time together.
It is a way to keep you on your toes, to remind you that they could leave you and go back to that other woman. That makes you feel insecure in the relationship, then you will start to work harder to accommodate their needs and desires. That is how they manipulate you in order to get what they want.
Actual Physical Abuse & Humiliation
So when I start to explain to you how Phillip hit me and I ask you.
Did he ever hit you?
You reply, No.
I explain how he slapped my breasts really hard while in front of my friends, in their house, who happened to be my ex-sister-in-law and her husband. Feeling embarrassed and humiliated. I think I just let out nervous laughter due to discomfort and confusion.
And you tell me.
That is definitely not the person I was with.
But he was the person you were with. It was not appropriate, but the excuse I made was he wants a BDSM relationship. I didn’t want humiliation in front of my in-laws… he read me wrong… I was experimenting with BDSM but only in private, not in public. That is not “informed consent”.
So, Jenny, there is a bit of a contrast between how your relationship ended and how my relationship ended.
You had a job, you were working. You told me.
“We planned my leaving together” “I didn’t just up and leave. We made a plan together We kept seeing each other for years so there was no need to get upset,”
Phillip told me a completely different story, of course, he would. He wasn’t about to tell me that, oh by the way Loren, I plan to still visit my ex-wife Jenny for occasional sex when I fancy a bit of BDSM, was he? So I’m asking myself, why the fuck did he want me then?
He told me, he gave you a car and rented you a place for 6 months, very generous of him. He told me that you had received a backdated payout of child support from your ex-husband, that he had helped you apply for. So not really the same situation that I experienced with his abrupt discard that turned into a nightmare of conflict.
Even after he told me that he wanted to end things “amicably”. But it all turned sour, he was verbally abusive, he was downing half a bottle of whiskey each day… plus smoking dope from morning till night.
27th of August, confessing his love for Delia. 29th of August offering a ridiculous financial settlement. With conditions attached.. Not what I saw as a fair or reasonable settlement. He was likely off his head when he wrote it.
So here I was chatting to you on Facebook, discovering all sorts of things that I didn’t know.
And you showed some concern about how I was coping, if I had any money, and told me that if I returned to the UK I could claim benefits.
Only at this point in January 2021 and with these new revelations about Phillip, I was past caring.
I was not worried anymore. I even told you that I was not really bothered by what might happen, I didn’t want to return to the UK and I would certainly not do that just to claim social security benefits, if I run out of money and food then perhaps I will starve to death. That was how I was feeling right then.
And you say.
Well, that’s not good. You have to find a positive way forward.
I tried and failed many times while starting over in Spain from 2015. I started an Amazon business, he wasn’t amused. He wasn’t supportive of anything I wanted to do. Actually, he would be “financially” supportive but never emotionally supportive. Even back in 2014 when I was diversifying my lettings business, I made him angry, or should that be he got angry. I shrugged it all off. I put it down to his drinking and his illnesses. Now I know what it is, it was his mind that was fucked up.
Then you tell me. I should think you would be okay if you had income and a place to live.
Well, Jenny, I do have a place to live, I am living there right now, and despite not having any income or business that is generating revenue, at least I am safe and secure and the bills that are in Phillip’s name are still being paid.
It is against human rights for the owner to cut off utilities while people are occupying a property. In Spain that includes squatters, only I am not a squatter. My residence card says I live here, and the Padron from the Cartagena Authority says I have lived here since 2015.
I’m not sure why I have attracted the wrong type of man into my life. Out of three significant partners, different names.. Different faces.. But similar in some respects.
My first husband who I had my two daughters with. John, who helped me to start a business, died of a heart attack in 2006, which was only 18 months after we started the business. Then Phillip, the kind and generous man, who turned into a monster. He has been one of the best… but also one of the worst…
Jenny, from what you have told me I think you must have been looking at him and your relationship through rose-tinted glasses. You say. We worked together really well. I liked that part best. I also liked how well he treated his friends too.
What!!! He could be rotten to people, that’s why I overheard his son calling his dad names, during the week of his 30th birthday celebrations at our home here in Spain.
How Phillip told me that on his wedding day with you he got pissed, he told me he knew it had been a mistake getting married to you, even the next-door neighbour had told Phillip that he thought it was a mistake. You see Phillip was always trying to “fix” people. He told me that he had tried to fix you.
So you tell me everyone at the BBQ wedding party was hammered, it had been a very long day.
Jenny, you are making excuses, I think his son knew him right? Just say it, he was a complete arsehole.
You say you like to move forward in life. Only you didn’t move forward with your life, did you?
He never moved forward either did he?
He kept his women on a string, he could wind them back in when he needed them.
What are you telling me?
“He didn’t have me on a string” Just look at what you told me earlier, thanking me for helping you to tie up some “emotional loose ends”.
So you moved out, you filed for divorce, so you were single again. Only when you fancied a meal out or day in Harrogate or whatever, you would meet with him. You even tell me that you felt it was wrong of him to cheat on me all these years.
And you are telling me that you moved on. Really!
Who was he cheating on? Or were you cheating yourself, Jenny? Why did you think about getting in contact with me?
He is a sick man. I now know he was cheating on me, with you Jenny, with Katrina, and then his final fling and old flame Delia.
Jenny, you asked him for a date while you were single, but you knew he was in a relationship with me. You were “trauma bonded” you had not moved on. That is why it still continued between you and him.
Is that why you had to get in touch with me? Because you wanted to know more.
You did not go through all that BDMS shit and not get trauma bonded. So what are you telling me, it was him who asked you out for dates. Which?
Was it you or was it him, who wanted to be back in touch?
And you tell me.
“We kept working together, seeing each other, settling things between us for years.”
Either way, the two of you were still meeting behind my back. Then you tell me you were not “trauma bonded” so what was it for?
Was it purely for a bit of master-slave bonding, you actually didn’t move on, even after the divorce, he was still meeting with you, and you still wanted to meet with him!
Sounds exactly like the description of the narcissistic casanova psychopath to me.
Or “sex god” as he used to like to call himself.
*****
Three reasons why I published my first book.
The author’s name of Loren Keeling.
1. To raise awareness of hidden emotional and psychological abuse in intimate relationships.
2. Highlighting the gaps in the laws that often fail women. As a warning to unmarried couples especially women who become or are financially dependent on their partners.
3. For information and educational purposes signposting to helpful resources.
Writing as a way to heal.
I created two Journals “My Letters to the other woman” and “My Letters to the Ex” both available from Amazon. My third Journal is “My Letters to the Universe”
