Introduction.
As a woman who saw the devastation of a broken family home as a child, I can tell you that the impact of infidelity goes further than the spouse who discovers the affair. Serial cheating is different from a one-time affair. In this article, I want to explore the psychological traits of serial cheaters. Look at the common justifications they use to tell themselves they are entitled. The profound emotional toll on the betrayed partner, and also from my own lived experience. Is a serial cheater incapable of loyalty, or are they trapped in a cycle they don’t understand?

What Defines a Serial Cheater?

It’s not just a “slip-up”—serial cheaters have a pattern of deception. 
Traits often seen in repeat offenders:
Lack of impulse control, thrill-seeking, instant gratification, the need for external validation, and neglect of long-term consequences. They often struggle with emotional intimacy. 

 Narcissistic tendencies, entitlement, lack of empathy.  This is how I saw a former relationship. It was the brazen “confession” because I knew nothing up until this point in the relationship. I had trusted him. Earlier on, in the beginning, there were a few moments where I had suspicions about him and his ex-wife. The reason was his constant referrals to this woman. He would let me know whenever he received a text message or an email. This was 2009, our first year together, and they had only been married for six months before they separated. Now, because of my research and self-publishing my first book, I realise this is part of the pattern that is used by “narcissists”. They triangulate you with a past person to keep you on your toes. I was never introduced to this woman; he made sure that we never met, but he dropped her name over and over again “I’ve had another email from G… I’ve had another text from G…” The thing is, he never elaborated on the content of the messages. I was not interested in asking him. I also explained to him that he should just block her.  

  – Compartmentalisation (separating emotions from actions) is the psychology behind a serial cheater who has sex with multiple partners outside of their marriage but without the emotional attachment. 

  – Addiction to novelty (boredom in long-term relationships) or something more sinister? A form of control. A coercive controller can use cheating as a weapon of control; they will “confess” or become careless so the other person discovers what is going on. In my own situation, it was the “confession”.  This next paragraph is from the second edition of my book, republished in October 2024, which coincided with the month that the criminal defence lawyer informed me that the Judge had dismissed all of the allegations the former partner had taken against me.

Confession to my face. Excerpt from my book. Available via Amazon UK
Christmas of 2017 started with the usual photographs in the sunshine, opening gifts, and preparing Christmas dinner. Everything seemed fine. It was the day after Christmas when he said, “I’ve got something to tell you.”  He motioned for me to sit next to him on the sofa in the lounge. I had this odd feeling because it wasn’t like him to ask me to sit next to him.

He started out by saying something like, “Remember when we first met? I used to talk to you about my Wednesday girl.”
Well, I couldn’t recall that he talked to me about any Wednesday girl, so I just laughed, because I thought, what’s this, a joke or something. Then he told me that he had connected up with this woman again in November, that she lived in Sheffield and her name was Katrina. I couldn’t grasp what he was saying, but it sank in after a few seconds. He was confessing to me that he had met up again with a woman that he was seeing in the first months of our relationship, back in 2009. When the reality of what he was saying hit home, I stood up, walked into the middle of the lounge and stood there screaming so loud and for as long as I could before having to breathe again.  I was sure I would be heard in the next village.  At first, he just sat where he was, then got up and tried to put his arms around me, but that was the last thing I wanted. I felt like my whole world had been shattered.  I didn’t even cry. However, I had damaged my throat by screaming so loudly. My thoughts were, why was he telling me this, what did he want to do, was he wanting to end our relationship?  

QUOTE

It may not surprise you to learn that people who have narcissistic personality disorder are far more likely to cheat than those who do not.

Psych Central – Oct 2024.

Why Do They Do It? Common Justifications

“I wasn’t getting what I needed” (Blame-shifting). Yes, I heard this from a former partner when he confessed that he was a serial adulterer in his marriage.  The words he used, “she was frigid,” meant that they didn’t have sex, and she dressed like a “bag lady” apparently because she liked to buy clothes from charity shops. That didn’t meet his expectations. 

“It didn’t mean anything” (Emotional detachment). In my experience, referring to a woman he was cheating with as a “Wednesday Girl” because he only made visits to her mid-week as she resided in a location where he had business contacts and it fitted in with his work schedule.  

“I just can’t help myself” (Self-victimization) to justify negative or harmful behaviors. 

“I love my partner, but…” (Cognitive dissonance) Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time. Have you ever been in a relationship that was the best and also the worst relationship you ever had?  This happens when you initially meet someone who comes across as kind, considerate, and caring. Then you start to see another side to their personality, when they criticise, humiliate and belittle you, devalue and sabotage your earning capabilities.
For example, financial gaslighting: They may deny or minimise their spouse’s financial contributions or accomplishments, making them feel like they are not capable or important.
They may provide for you financially and then criticise you on the other.
They provide a monthly allowance (as happened in my situation), then in an angry rant shout, “I’m throwing nearly £700 a month at you.” Leaving you feeling like you are inadequate.

Fear of intimacy (Sabotaging stability to avoid vulnerability): Individuals may subconsciously push partners away or undermine stability to avoid vulnerability and potential hurt. They may create conflict, focus on flaws, or find reasons to distance themselves when a relationship becomes serious, fearing the pain of getting hurt. This might result in “devaluation” of the spouse or partner, and even the “discard” if they get to a stage where they have started to make that “comittment” it can often come as a shock, an out of the blue decision to end the relationship.  

The Devastating Impact on the Betrayed Partner.

Emotional Trauma.
Betrayal can trigger a wide array of intense emotions, including anger, sadness, fear, shame, guilt, and grief. At the sudden termination of the last relationship I went through all of those emotions. It took at least eight months to get through the shock, denial, and grief stage before I attempted to start writing the outline for my first book. 

Betrayal trauma (also similar to PTSD—intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance) Only I refer to “betrayal trauma” as the emotional and psychological distress experienced when a person is violated or hurt by someone they trusted, for example, when a woman discovers that they were not only betrayed by a cheating husband or partner they were in an abusive situation that they did not recognise. Often leading to symptoms similar to those seen in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder that I term a post-traumatic stress injury. It is a personal injury, not a disorder, a natural emotional reaction to the damage and the harm inflicted by the perpetrator/abuser.

Psychological Effects  

Anxiety & depression. Leading to no will to live in severe cases. If left unaddressed, the loss of trust in future relationships can lead to a long-term fear of abandonment.  

Loss of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth.
Your shattered self-esteem and thoughts, “Was I not enough?” A betrayal can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a sense of being unworthy of love and respect. You lose yourself completely; your sense of self and your role or purpose in life have been wiped out, obliterated. You were the wife, the mother, the partner, the girlfriend, and now you are saying, “Who am I? What can I do now?“ A full-on identityy crisis where we are questioning reality due to gaslighting and manipulation. 

Physical health decline.
Physical Symptoms: In addition to emotional and psychological distress, betrayal trauma can manifest in physical symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, headaches, and stomach problems—stress-induced illnesses. I have seen the impacts such as increased alcohol consumption, weight gain or weight loss, and worse heart issues and other diseases.

Can a Serial Cheater Change?
Possible, but rare—requires deep self-awareness and therapy. 
Accountability is key (no more excuses). 
Behavioral patterns vs. genuine remorse —how to spot the difference. 
Warning: Don’t fall for the “I’ll change” cycle if actions don’t match words.   

Healing for the Betrayed: Reclaiming Your Power  
Allow yourself to grieve (betrayal is a loss). 
Therapy & support groups (processing trauma healthily).
Rebuilding self-worth  (affirmations, new hobbies, boundaries).  

Do I stay, or do I go?
The decision to stay or leave is a huge question. I don’t judge, but you need to prioritise your emotional well-being and physical health.  In addition, a man who is cheating and has caused emotional harm and damage has no respect for you. It can also be fraught with “danger”, as I experienced in my last relationship with his unbalanced emotions. These types of personalities can go from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Scary Monster in a matter of minutes if you try to assert yourself, set boundaries, or tell them you arre leaving or say anything at all in an angry tone as I discovered on morning when I tried to explain how I felt about his disrespect.

My notes from February 10th 2018. Excerpt from my book. Avaiable via Amazon US
Things we agreed on.
We have both been through a whole deal of stress since 2015.
Stress can impact a relationships and health.
We have both felt things were not 100% – but neither of us was strong enough to talk about what we wanted.

a) as individuals.
b) as partners, lovers and soul mates.

Why did I know that trying to talk with him on Saturday would not be helpful?

He tells me I don’t care or respect him enough to listen to him. (Now I can interpret this little snippet since my research on narcissistic traits and emotional abuse. This was him projecting onto me; he was the one who would not listen, he was the one who didn’t show me respect and care.) That morning in the bedroom, he got angry because I was not about to give up on the online business education. This was when he shouted at me, telling me I didn’t have enough money to buy paper to wipe my backside with.
Thank you, Phillip. How charming of you.

I had two choices,

• Bite my lip and give in, or
• Get angry

Easy to say now.  The discussion continued downstairs. 

He wanted me to focus on the things that will make me happy or happier.

I got angry; he wanted me to give up on my dream of having a business online. 

He wanted me to market myself to estate agents locally in Spain. I had spent a lot of my own money on training and investing in myself in order to create an online business.

So I got angry, it takes a lot for me to get angry or even shout, I am not that type of person.
I shouted, “The only reason I poured all my money into an online business education was for us!”

His reaction was an even angrier outburst, as he ran at me from across the kitchen with his hands raised, and I saw his twisted face approaching me.  He was shouting and practically spitting in my face. I was frightened and fell to the floor in tears, curled into a little ball. He walked away and left me there, sobbing.
I don’t know how long I was on the floor, but he came back, grabbed me by my arms, got me standing, and then sat me down on the sofa.

I took out my phone and flicked through the photographs in the gallery, stopping at the ones he had taken before Christmas day when we had been on a walk around the City. They showed me happy and smiling in a cafe bar. They showed me in the square looking at the Christmas display again, happy and smiling. I showed these photos to Phillip and explained how I had been happy. My happiness was destroyed when he made his decision to tell me about Katrina. 

Final note: “Their actions do not define you.” 

Serial cheating is a pattern, not an accident, and the damage runs deep. 
For those who’ve cheated: I encourage self-reflection. Journal on this prompt: “Why do you really do it?” 
For the betrayed: “Healing is possible—you deserve honesty and love.”  

“Have you encountered serial cheating? Share your thoughts below.”

No 1 in Self-Help For Abuse. October 2024
Post Separation Abuse. Betrayal and Abandonment. What Type Of Man?

Available on Amazon UK:

Or Amazon US 

Amazon Spain: Spanish Version