Confidence restored, trusting and believing.
A chapter from my first self-published book.
2019. It took me a number of months to feel better about myself after the terrible year of him and his double lifestyle and his Wednesday girl ego trip. There were still some periods of uncertainty. But Phillip had told me he wanted to be with me and would work for just another 12 to 18 months in the UK. He wanted to earn more so he could top up his retirement pot.
I didn’t know what was in his bank accounts, how much he had saved, or even if he had a ton of debts. It is something that he never spoke to me about. I know that he worked in the UK at various companies and he was telling me he was making a lot of money.
He expected to be able to put another £100k into his retirement fund, telling me it was so we could be secure in our retirement here in Spain. By mid-2019, I had started to enjoy a few activities on top of the activities I was already involved in. I was going to a Yoga class and joined an art class. Then, I was invited to dance practice in November to prepare for the Cartagena Carnival. This was the first time I had ever been involved in a carnival before. I also enjoyed the sunshine, the pool, the hot tub and working hard in the garden. By the end of 2019, I was beginning to think everything was going to work out between us.
Spanish government announced the COVID-19 pandemic,
2020. When the Spanish government announced the COVID-19 pandemic, it was shortly after my 59th birthday in March. I had enjoyed a party with friends we had invited to our home, and then a day or so later, we had a lovely meal in a restaurant. Then, all of a sudden, we were being instructed that restrictions were coming into force. Of course, Phillip made a quick decision not to return to the UK on the flights he had booked. He didn’t want to leave me alone in Spain, and he didn’t want to be alone in the UK either.
I remember that he seemed worried. Just as the announcement was made, he decided that we should go shopping that evening. He even instructed me to put my passport and ID card in my handbag just in case we were stopped at any roadblocks. We decided to shop in the larger supermarket in Puerto Mazarron. Of course, there were no roadblocks, and we did not see any local Policia or Guardia vehicles on our way there. We stocked up on all sorts of long-shelf-life foods. Obviously, he was thinking that this lockdown restriction could last a long while. Little did we know right then just how long this situation would play out.
Busy With Improvements
During the lockdown, Phillip decided that we could make a few improvements around the villa. So, it started with an A3-size drawing pad where he sat me down with coloured pens, and we started to brainstorm ideas of things that needed to be done and things that we would like to do. That document became our working plan for all sorts of DIY projects that were taken care of one by one from March to June.
We painted the entrance gate, changing the colour from black to blue, and repainted the light fittings on the gate posts and the double garage to match. Phillip also ordered air conditioning for two of the bedrooms. Then, my idea for a wooden fence came into being when he purchased the wood and built the fence with the help of a friend and neighbour.
Bit by bit, we did things to make the place better. My other idea of creating paths and planting the land on the top tier also took shape as Phillip ordered gravel, sand and paving slabs before leaving for the UK in July. I worked on that project alone, with the help of my neighbour, who had an electric barrow. He helped to move the heavy slabs and the sand up to the top deck so I could get started on the idea I’d had to transform that plot of land.
Before and after photographs from January 2019 to the work I did during June and July 2020.
A conversation was overheard. June 2020
It was June 2020, in the middle of the Covid pandemic and lockdown. I had been out that morning and returned home after an art class. He obviously didn’t hear me coming in the kitchen door. He was sitting on the front porch, and I could hear that he was talking to someone on his iPad. At first, I thought he was talking to one of his sons.
However, I heard him saying, “Loren is very insecure,” and then I thought, what? Am I insecure?
In the next breath, he went on to tell this person about how he had arranged his Spanish and UK wills, even telling the person that he was leaving the Spanish house to me and his boys would inherit the UK property he had.
When I went through to the porch, he looked up and very quickly ended the conversation, telling the person he had to go as Loren was home. I never let on about the part of the conversation I had just overheard. But I knew he was not talking to one of his boys, besides he had told them and also me what he had planned for his will and his properties during 2016.
Don’t ask me why I didn’t want to confront him.
Later that day, we were both outside swimming and then sitting in the hot tub. I questioned him about who he had been talking to earlier. He then told me his story about how he had seen some posts on Facebook from his old friend Harry and noticed a comment from a woman he knew from Poole; her name was Delia.
Then I realised that he was talking about an old flame from his past. I still did not ask him why he had told the person that he thought I was insecure or that I heard him telling her about how he had arranged his Spanish and UK wills. Don’t ask me why I didn’t want to confront him. This was another one of those moments where I thought it was most likely best not to ask and again brushed things under the carpet.
However, I am unsure if he was talking to Delia, the old flame from the past.
His Ex-Wife Reaches Out To Chat Via Facebook
Why? Because in January 2021, his (ex-wife) Jenny Hollby, now Lambert, connected to me via Facebook messenger to “supposedly” find out if I was okay after she realised that the relationship had ended.
She saw that his UK property was up for sale and apparently found out through her daughter, who is still connected to his two boys; she said she doesn’t do Facebook much!!
In one Facebook message, she mentioned that I had walked in on a Skype call he was having with her. She didn’t say when that was, even though I questioned her. Was it his ex-wife Jenny, whom he was talking to in June 2020 before he left Spain for the UK again? Or was it really Delia, the old flame from Poole?
Jenny went on to tell me that throughout the 11 years of our relationship, she had conversations and meetings with Phillip. Even though their “marriage” (that lasted 6 months) had ended, their BDSM bond had not. So Jenny tells me, “Thank you for chatting yesterday. It tidied up some emotional loose ends for me.” Emotional loose ends! Yet she claimed she had moved on years ago. Ha!
Phillip returns to the UK. July 2020
The Removal van is finally booked.
Will I harvest the cannabis?
His return to the UK was delayed because of the COVID lockdown, so we spent six months together in Spain. We had been working on our home, transforming it, fixing things, and making improvements. I finally felt that I was leaving behind the terrible memory of his past infidelity, and I started to recover lost self-confidence once again. I really enjoyed the dance classes with the other Spanish women and another English neighbour. In February 2020, the big moment arrived: We all happily danced through the streets of Cartagena while taking part in the colourful Carnival. With all the wonderful costumes and the music playing loud into the night, it was a lovely family party atmosphere. The music was ringing around my head for days afterwards. I got such a thrill from taking part.
The Carnival in February 2020 – The Month Before The COVID LockDown
Everything seemed to be coming together. We seemed to be getting along fine, apart from that odd conversation I had walked in on in June.
The Remonal Van Was Packed
While he was back in the UK, the removal van that was meant to happen in April was rescheduled. He sent me photos of the van packed with all of the things he wanted to bring out from his UK property. This included a few items that were mine. The van was due to arrive here in Spain before he was due back, but unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. The removal van broke down twice on the way from the UK to Spain, causing a massive delay. It actually didn’t arrive until September.
Cannabis Harvest
While Phillip is back in the UK, I am needed here to look after the cannabis plants that he has been growing for months. He asked me to take some photos to send to him, so I, of course, obliged. I send him the photos of the plants. Then Phillip sends me a message back asking if I could harvest one of the plants. Of course, I am saying yes to pruning the plants, washing them, and hanging them to dry in the games room above the snooker table.
Phillip delayed his return to Spain by a week. He told me about his plan to visit a therapist in the UK, near Cardiff in Wales. This came as a bit of a shock; to be honest, it was the first time he had spoken to me about wanting to have any sort of therapy.
Reasons why I have written this book.
To raise awareness of the hidden emotional and psychological abuse that can happen in relationships.
Highlighting the gaps in the laws and how the system can fail those who need protection. How the laws in relation to the separation of couples who are cohabiting, are not fit for purpose. How cohabiting couples do not have the same legal rights as married couples or those in a civil partnership. To show how, after the end of a relationship, abuse can continue in what can be termed post-separation abuse. When one party in the relationship chooses conflict over discussion and negotiation. How the legal system can be (ab)used by the offender further to cause emotional and financial devastation to the victim.
Emotional and psychological abuse comes under the term “Coercive Control” in the UK. A law that was passed in March 2015 and came into force on the 29th of December 2015. Victims of abuse often know that what has been happening to them isn’t right, but they don’t understand that it is domestic abuse and that it is now illegal.
For all the women who didn’t survive, those who were not able to get through the trauma and gave up on themselves and their future. More needs to be done to raise awareness and protect those who suffer this “hidden emotional and psychological abuse”. Domestic violence is a factor in up to one-quarter of female suicide attempts.
Facts on post-separation abuse. In the year ending March 2020, an estimated 2.3 million adults aged 16 to 74 years experienced domestic abuse. (1.6 million women and 757,000 men).
